There’s a fruitcake in the Holodeck

December 16, 2015


Kris Milstead
The Sneezing Opossum

December 15 is Cat Herders Day, which is probably what your Christmas shopping feels like. Grab a group of cats, put some antlers on them, and try to get them to lead a sled. It will be more successful than picking out that elusive perfect gift.

December 16 is Chocolate Covered Anything Day. Few things are not improved by covering them in chocolate. Except pizza. You might want to draw the line there.

December 17: Re-Gifting Day. That hideous lamp your Aunt Sue gave you? Re-gift it! That fruitcake you never opened? Re-gift it! That flu you picked up at the office party? Keep that to yourself, please.

December 18 is International Migrants Day. It’s also the release of the new Star Wars movie. Take in a wayward Jedi and may the Force be with you.

If you haven’t gotten your Christmas tree (or Hanukkah bush) yet, December 19 is Evergreen Day.

December 20: Sangria Day, devoted to sweet red wine.

December 21 is International Dalek Remembrance Day. I suppose sci-fi super-villains need acknowledgment, too, even if they are hell-bent on exterminating the galaxy.

December 22 is Forefather’s Day. Sometimes it’s important to remember your heritage. And sometimes it’s important to leave them in a padded room with crayons.

December 23: Happy Festivus, when it’s traditional to air grievances. I have no cookies. Send cookies.

December 24 is Last Minute Shopper’s Day. It’s also National Egg Nog Day, so, there you go.  

Oh, sure, we could take the easy route, but December 25 is also No “L” Day. Observe by refusing to use any words with the letter L in them. See how lon—oh, crap...

The big day is over. You’re looking around, wondering if there’s anything else in the house to eat. Your eyes settle on the Christmas tree and you realize December 26 is Candy Cane Day. Post-Christmas is saved!  

December 27 is Visit the Zoo Day. I know you just spent the holidays with family, but I’m talking about the actual monkey house, not your relatives.

It’s three days since Christmas, and the batteries on your new toys are starting to die. That’s because December 28 is Gone To Pot Day. It’s also Card Playing Day, so you could win enough at poker to save everything.

December 29 is when you look back and take stock of the year. Did you uphold your New Year’s Resolutions? If not, there’s still time, as today is Tick Tock Day.

December 30: Bacon Day. Delicious, crunchy, downfall of even die-hard vegans. Have a piece, I won’t tell.

December 31 is No Interruptions Day. The next time someone tries to interrupt you, show them a calendar.

January 1 is Polar Bear Swim Day. I’ll be sitting in my warm house, pointing and laughing.

January 2 is Science Fiction Day. Stay away from the Holodeck. Things always get weird in there.

January 3: Fruitcake Toss Day. Get rid of that thing before someone tries to eat it.

January 4: Trivia Day. What is the longest one-syllable word in the English language?

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