The Sneezing Opossum
Again I find myself in the position of writing about the elections in late October, weeks before they actually occur. This means I have to guess at the results, which makes this column roughly as accurate as Dick Morris’ post-election analysis.
I’m going to go ahead and assume the Democrats lost everything—not just because of current polling trends, but because of their uncanny ability to lose seats in every state, including North Democrat-land.
Even when Democrats win, they lose. You may recall that in 2009, Democrats had a super-majority for about eight minutes, but only with the help of Joe Lieberman. That’s like finally losing your virginity, but to your sister—who happens to be Joe Lieberman.
Anyway, I’m going to write this column assuming that all Democrats lost their races, even the uncontested ones, and damned if you’ll be able to tell the difference.
Al Franken went into the race with a 12-point lead, so it’s astonishing that he lost by only seven.
Mike McFadden can chalk up his victory to a campaign strategy of plastic surgery that made him look like Henry Winkler, which at least assures the Boschwitz-Wellstone-Coleman-Franken seat is still reserved for a Jew.
Meanwhile, Iowans have now elected Joni Ernst, a.k.a. the Michele Bachmann who never left Iowa. She’s most famous for castrating hogs, which voters apparently see as a legislative qualification, presumably because of a massive ethanol leak.
Ernst won partly by claiming that her Democratic opponent—known to Michelle Obama as “That Guy”—had sued his neighbor for allowing chickens to cross onto his property. Even the neighbor denied this story, at least until Ernst castrated him.
Another closely watched race was Mitch McConnell versus Alison Lundergan Grimes, who could not use her awkward three names to her advantage in a state whose voters regularly trip over the word “electoral.”
Grimes’ only weapon was McConnell himself, who is as popular as rectal bleeding and not nearly as attractive. Then it was revealed that Grimes—who I need to remind you is the Democrat—voted for Obama, which, in Kentucky, is as shocking as having all your teeth.
Speaking of female candidates, we turn to Mark Udall in Colorado. He was dubbed by his opponents “Mark Uterus,” because he had these silly feminist ideas like not banning abortion and contraception, and was even known, occasionally, to leave the toilet seat down.
Meanwhile, his opponent Cory Gardner, a.k.a. the Michele Bachmann with a Penis, assured voters his support of a “personhood” amendment shouldn’t be an issue because it’s “never going to pass.”
Of course, the same could be said of the entire Democratic agenda, but Gardner’s explanation proved convincing in a state where roughly 82 percent have suffered massive head trauma from skiing into trees, and the other 18 percent are too stoned to vote.
In New Hampshire, former Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown will be returning, despite often forgetting which state he was running in. He celebrated by butt-tweeting his victory speech.
You know what? I can’t do this. I know I was going to write this as if every Republican won, but there’s no way, no how, that this bonehead pulled it off.
For Christ’s sake, Brown blamed his opponent for voting for the same bills he did. He ducked reporters’ questions by hiding in the men’s room, and said he couldn’t remember voting on an anti-choice bill that he co-sponsored. Most disturbingly, Jeanne Shaheen proved at the last debate that she could do more shirtless push-ups.
The only other chance for a Democratic victory was in Kansas, but only because—and I’m quite serious about this—the Democrat dropped out. This left incumbent Senator Pat Roberts, who I believe is some kind of televangelist, running against independent Greg Orman, who is so insubstantial he is often dispersed by a breeze.
Orman said if he won a seat in the Senate, he would caucus with “whichever party wants to put aside partisan politics and get things done,” which presumably means he would caucus with the janitors.
There were also (and I can’t believe I’m saying this) some interesting governor’s races, like Wisconsin, where Democrats hoped that the third time would be the charm against Scott Walker, who, after bankrupting the state with tax cuts, needed an extra term to fulfill his goal of making the state ethically bankrupt.
In Florida, climate control finally became an issue, but only as it applied to Charlie Crist’s fan. Rick Scott managed to pull off an upset victory with the help of the carnivorous amphibian vote.
Finally, there’s the Minnesota governor’s race, where, again, I can’t pretend the Republican won. Mark Dayton ran against a guy named Johnson and even I couldn’t remember the guy’s name.
Jason Johnson is the author of Here’s Another Damn Book That No One Will Read. Prove him wrong, folks. Prove him wrong.