Coulda won a Grammy, buried in my jammies

October 26, 2016


Kris Milstead
The Sneezing Opossum

October 25 is World Pasta Day. Celebrate with a delicious bowl of ravioli or a hot, gooey serving of lasagna. Savor those carbs, and if anyone tries to convince you to eat spaghetti squash, tell them you won’t be fooled by impastas.

October 26: National Mincemeat Day. Mincemeat began as a way of preserving meats, but today it mostly involves alcohol and fruit and is served at Christmastime. The stores are already dragging out all their Christmas crap, so why not?

October 27 is listed as National Black Cat Day, yet I know that we recently celebrated Black Cat Appreciation Day on August 17. Apparently, black cats have two days in their honor—which is exactly something a cat would do. If you don’t want to celebrate this holiday, just remember that in the 17th century, it was believed witches could shapeshift into black cats. You don’t want your cat to turn you into a newt, do you? (You’ll get better.)

October 28 is Frankenstein Friday. Celebrated on the last Friday of October, it is the invention of Ron MacCloskey who dreamt up the holiday in 1997 in honor of the birth of Frankenstein’s monster. Join the fun by painting yourself green and walk around moaning at your friends. I’m sure they’re used to you by now!

October 29 is National Hug a Sheep Day. Surely you’re joking! No, I wooled never kid about holidays. And don’t call me Shirley.

October 30: Candy Corn Day. Invented in the 1880s, candy corn now comes in different colors and flavors for each holiday, but my favorite will always be the traditional Halloween style. Somehow candy corn just doesn’t say Valentine’s Day or Fourth of July to me. But nothing says, “I love you” like waxy corn syrup.

October 31: Increase Your Psychic Powers Day. No, I didn’t make it up, but I know that’s what you’re thinking.

Just when you thought the Halloween season was over, November 1 is Hockey Mask Day. Today in 1959, Jacques Plante, a goalkeeper for the Montreal Canadiens, refused to go back on the ice without a mask after being struck by a wayward puck. Celebrate by wearing a hockey mask and breaking out your chainsaw. Offer to help your neighbors, and ignore those odd looks. They’re simply overwhelmed by your generosity!

November 2 is a rather pointless holiday: Look for Circles Day. Celebrations take place at Stonehenge. Be there or be square. Oh, and bring pi.

November 3: Sandwich Day. Don’t worry, I won’t leave you in a jam today. Forget the lemonade stand and spread some love by hosting a sandwich stand. Just make sure you have some peanut butter and banana in case Elvis stops by. (And an Epi-Pen.)

November 4: King Tut Day. Today marks the anniversary of when archeologists Howard Carter and George Herbert discovered the almost completely intact tomb of King Tutankhamun. Wrap yourself in celebration by walking like an Egyptian to a “King Tut” sing-along. Just don’t tell your Mummy!

November 5 is one for the cerevisaphiles: Stout Day. Stop lagering behind. I can’t wheat for you to start. Ok, fine, I’m barley qualified to be making all these puns, so I’ll just hop along.

November 6: Zero Tasking Day. Daylight Savings Time ends today and we all get an extra hour of sleep. Use it to do absolutely nothing.

November 7 is Hug a Bear Day. Dig your furry friend off the closet shelf and give him a hug.  After all, he’s always been there for you.

November 8 is Election Day this year, but it’s also Dunce Day. (I swear, I’m not making this up!) Today commemorates the death of John Duns, an influential medieval Catholic scholar from the town of Duns, Scotland. So, this is actually a day that honors learning and education. (See: Irony.)

November 9 is Chaos Never Dies Day. (No, I’m not making this one up either.) Today we acknowledge the never-ending turmoil of life, the angst of the human condition, the existential hounds of hell...that we all just unleashed on ourselves yesterday.

November 10 brings out the inner child in all of us: Sesame Street Day. I’m not very good with directions, but I’m pretty sure you count to 10, take a right at the g-g-garage, and stop when you get to the red Muppet’s house. Watch out for Snuffalupagus!

November 11 is Origami Day. I don't want you to get bent out of shape, but the local Origami Society has folded. They couldn’t get enough people to attend their paper-view events.

November 12: Domino Day. Not much to say about this holiday. It just sort of falls right into the next one.

November 13: World Kindness Day. I’ll start by not making any more bad jokes for the rest of this column.

But November 14 has me in a pickle. I know I promised no more bad jokes, but today is National Pickle Day. It’s a big dill, and I relish the idea of celebrating. (Sorry, but no matter how you slice it, I’m a punster at heart.)


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