Knock-knock: Your mother-in-law is a hagfish

October 13, 2015


Kris Milstead
The Sneezing Opossum

October 14 starts off with Pet Obesity Awareness Day. This is a serious issue. Don’t let your pet be a pig. Unless it is a pig, in which case, carry on.

October 15: National Grouch Day. Paint yourself green and spend the day in an aluminum trashcan yelling at everyone. Or, you know, just be yourself.

October 16 is for all the logophiles out there! Celebrate National Dictionary Day by looking up “logophile.”

In golf, a “mulligan” allows you to take a turn over. Well, October 17 you can apply that rule to your life with National Mulligan Day. I’m going to call a mulligan on the entire day and go back to bed.

October 18: National Chocolate Cupcake Day. I think this auspicious occasion calls for two chocolate cupcakes.

October 19 is National Evaluate Your Life Day. Look on the bright side: Donald Trump’s numbers are down, and you still have leftover chocolate cupcakes.

October 20: International Sloth Day. Granted, they smell and eat human feces, but they’re still kind of cute in their own way. Sort of like some bad dates I’ve had.

October 21: National Hagfish Day. These are the ugliest fish ever that let out a weird slime when threatened. Basically, they’re the Green Ghost of the aquatic world.

October 22: Parachute Day. Just remember, if at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

On October 23, 2001, Steve Jobs introduced the iPod. Don’t get me wrong, I love my iPod, but I don’t think that scene in Say Anything would be quite the same with John Cusack holding up an iPod Touch.

October 24 is the perfect day to stay home and binge-watch The Tonight Show: TV Talk Show Host Day.

You might want to skip over October 25: Mother-in-Law Day. After all the effort it took to be nice to her, you can rest up on October 26: National Sleep-in Day.

October 27 is Cranky Co-Workers Day. I don’t have any co-workers unless you count my cat, but I suspect your co-workers don’t nap on your keyboard. If they do, you might want to have a chat with your boss.

October 28: National Chocolate Day. It’s also Columnist Appreciation Day. This cannot be a coincidence.

October 29 is National Cat Day. Worship your cat today with extra catnip and treats. After all, she always makes sure your clean laundry smells just like her.

October 30: Checklist Day. It also happens to be Create a Great Funeral Day, which I will get around to as soon as I check writing this column off my list.

Of course, October 31 is Halloween, but it also happens to be National Knock-Knock Jokes Day. “Knock-Knock.” “Who’s there?” “Art.” “Art who?” “R2-D2!”

Remember how I said Columnist Appreciation Day was a few days ago? I made that up. Actually it’s November 1. Well, really, today is National Author’s Day and Extra Mile Day, so why not go that extra mile and send some chocolate cupcakes to your favorite columnist?

November 2 is Cookie Monster Day. National Big Bird Day happens to be the fourth Thursday in November. (Give it a minute; it’ll come to you.)

November 3: National Cliché Day. Sometimes you just have to put your foot down, but today I vow to put my back into it and banish all clichés. Join me and we will have more fun than a barrel of monkeys.

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