2020: I think it’s gonna be a long, long time

Remember those “WWJD” bracelets? It stands for “What Would Jesus Do?” and is supposed to remind the wearer to act with Christ-like charity. Donald Trump must have one of those bracelets, too, except he thinks it stands for “What Would a Jerk Do?”


You have to admit this would explain a lot: Calling Mexicans rapists and proposing a border wall at their expense. Bragging about grabbing women’s genitals without their consent. Proclaiming that some neo-Nazis are “very fine people.” And now deporting the “Dreamers”—undocumented immigrants who were brought to America when they were kids. I’m pretty sure when Jesus said, “Suffer the little children,” this was not what he meant.


Dreamers are eligible for a renewable three-year work permit under the 2012 Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals program, or DACA. Due to the quirks of American immigration policy, those brought here as undocumented children have no means of gaining legal citizenship upon adulthood, despite the fact that they grew up in the United States. If deported, they would be sent to countries as foreign to them as to any other American child.


There are currently 800,000 Dreamers in the US. To be eligible, they must graduate high school or obtain a GED. If enlisted in the military, they must receive an honorable discharge. They must have no criminal record, including misdemeanors. (Even petty misdemeanors, like traffic violations, are limited to three before they’re disqualified from the program.)


As a result, Dreamers are, on average, more highly educated and more law-abiding than the average American who was born here. WWJD? Definitely kick out these losers!


But Trump bit into the wrong bone this time. More than 1,800 governors, attorneys general, mayors, state representatives, judges, police chiefs, and other leaders signed onto a letter supporting the Dreamers.


The Center for American Progress estimates that throwing them out would result in a $460.3 billion decrease in America’s GDP. A YouGov poll found that two-thirds of Trump supporters, and more than 80 percent of Americans overall, support the DACA program.


So, six days later, the Cowardly-Hairpiece-in-Chief tweeted: “Does anybody really want to throw out good, educated and accomplished young people who have jobs, some serving in the military? Really!” Yeah, who on earth said that?!


Trump added that he would revisit the DACA program in six months if lawmakers haven’t taken action on immigration reform. Your ball, Congress!


To be fair, Trump’s had other things on his mind, such as defending neo-Nazis, ignoring hurricane destruction in Puerto Rico, and getting into a massive dick-waving contest with North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un.


One of the most isolated, totalitarian, and frankly just plain weird countries on Earth, North Koreans live under threat of death to be absolutely obedient to their “Great Leader.” They believe Kim Jong-un learned to drive at the age of three, and that he does not need to urinate or defecate. They are told there is no such thing as the Internet, and that North Korea is the envy of the entire world.


Suffice it to say, Kim is a few French fries short of a Happy Meal. Most of the world—including every US administration since the Korean War—has treated the Kim dynasty like a toddler who insists he doesn’t have to go to bed or eat his vegetables because he is a dinosaur.


But then we elected Donald Trump, and it was Batshit-meets-Crazy. Sort of like the Cold War, if Kennedy and Khrushchev had been reality TV stars who could convince people they don’t need to poop.


On July 4, Kim Jong-un launched North Korea’s first ballistic missile capable of reaching the mainland US. On September 3, he tested a nuclear weapon larger than those dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki.


Trump responded, “North Korea best not make any more threats to the United States. They will be met with fire and fury like the world has never seen.”


The war of words has continued apace. Kim vowed to “make the US pay by a thousand-fold.” Trump countered that the US military is “locked and loaded.” Kim threatened that he “will make the US suffer the greatest pain it’s ever experienced.” Trump has taken to derisively calling Kim “Rocket Man.” The North Korean leader is expected to respond with a full-blown Elton John mixtape.


On the bright side, shitting our pants over a possible nuclear holocaust provides a distraction from the ongoing Russia investigation. Now Trump’s son, Donald Jr., and his son-in-law/senior advisor, Jared Kushner, are implicated, having exchanged emails and met at Trump Tower, respectively, with Russian officials during the campaign.


In July, the FBI raided the home of Paul Manafort, who’s accused of accepting money from pro-Russian partisans in Ukraine and then failing to register with the Justice Department as a lobbyist advancing foreign interests. Manafort denied the allegations, but proceeded to register.


In addition to Manafort himself, Special Investigator Robert Mueller has issued subpoenas to a wide swath of Manafort’s associates. The gist of the allegation is that Manafort received $25 million from the former prime minister of Ukraine, ostensibly to build a Park Avenue skyscraper. The skyscraper was never built, and Manafort is suspected of laundering Russian money.


The FBI obtained surveillance warrants on Manafort before and while he was Trump’s campaign manager. The details are still shrouded in investigative secrecy, but there are a few things we know: The July raid was “no-knock,” which means law enforcement believed Manafort might destroy evidence. The type of surveillance involved could only be obtained if investigators believed Manafort was communicating with a foreign power. And the warrants gel with anonymous intelligence sources last May, who told the New York Times that they had taped Manafort discussing Trump’s campaign with Russian officials.


Does this mean it’s game over for Trump and his associates? What will happen if Mueller can prove the Kremlin influenced the 2016 election? Will Kim Jong-un blow up the world before we get to find out? Stay tuned. Here at the Zenith, we’re gonna be high as a kite by then.

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