A Tentative Tenant’s Test

September 27, 2018

 

Lee Malis

The Sneezing Opossum

 

 

Please select the best answer and return with your rental application.

 

1.Which best describes proper operation of a clothes washer and dryer?

A) Use three two-pound boxes of detergent per load.

B) Crawl inside to make sure appliances are working.

C) Use metal slugs instead of quarters to save money.

D) Follow instructions written on appliance.

 

2. Which best describes the procedure for answering a shared telephone line?

A) Ignore it. The caller is not bothering you.

B) Tell the caller you do not speak English.

C) Inform the requested resident of the call.

D) Ask the caller how tall he or she is.

 

3. Which best describes operation of a vacuum cleaner?

A) If it fails to suck up a particle, place your mouth on the carpet and inhale.

B) Lug the unit up onto the walls and clean them too.

C) Vacuum as needed, using common sense.

D) If the motor stops, refuel with gasoline.

 

4. You have a letter waiting for you at the front desk. What is the best way to collect it?

A) If clerk is asleep, yell, “Mail call!”

B) Get on your hands and knees and beg for your mail.

C) Ask the clerk to fetch your mail.

D) If clerk does not respond to “c,” spank him.

 

5. Residents are limited to one guest at a time. No violation occurs when:

A) You need a shoehorn to squeeze one more guest in.

B) There is only one person visiting you.

C) A second guest is the Siamese twin of the first guest.

D) You hint that catatonic guests are mannequins.

 

6. Your apartment is cold. You opt to:

A) Round up several residents to blow hot air at you.

B) Turn on the air conditioner.

C) Open a window to let some fresh air in.

D) Build a fire, making sure not to burn your feet.

 

7. Where does your trash go?

A) Garbage containers.

B) Janitor’s mop pail.

C) All ever the kitchen floor.

D) In the restroom sink.

 

8. Which best describes how to clean the kitchen table?

A) Lick off grease, crumbs, etc. with your tongue.

B) Notify the FBI.

C) Use paper towels.

D) Admit you are a moron and leave the table.

 

9. Which best describes the use of kitchen appliances?

A) Place food on a stove burner that does not work.

B) Do not use any appliance without prior experience.

C) Place your ice cream in the microwave for 30 minutes to insure proper texture.

D) Heat food in oven for two weeks while enjoying your trip to Florida.

 

10. What is the policy on cigarette smoking?

A) Smoking is only allowed in your bedroom.

B) Residents must smoke butts found on the floor.

C) Exhale smoke in the face of anyone near you.

D) Leave a lit cigarette in your mouth while sleeping.

 

11. Someone is staggering around the building, possibly drunk. Your response is:

A) Mug him.

B) Put a filthy mattress at anticipated point of collapse.

C) Pull the person over and demand to see his license.

D) Report the offender to the front desk.

 

12. You hear a noisy party. Your response is:

A) Go to their door and scream, “Shut up!”

B) With a six pack of brewski in hand, ask if you may partake in the party.

C) Report any questionable conduct to the front desk.

D) Phone the Dean of Students at the college and coax him to send over five female students.

 

13. Another resident approaches you to purchase his drug stash. Your response is:

A) Ask what percentage you would receive as a dealer.

B) If he says it is weed, make sure it is not catnip.

C) Phone the police chief so he can get high too.

D) With the goods in hand, ask the building manager to nominate you as “Resident of the Month.”

 

14. You have a dispute with another resident. You:

A) Duke it out for ten rounds, KO or TKO.

B) Plead with the resident to seek alternative housing.

C) Tape a sign on his door, saying, “Here lurks a jerk!”

D) Sneak a strong dose of tranquilizer into his coffee.

 

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