Books By Celebrities Who Can't Read

September 9, 2014

Jason Johnson

The Sneezing Opossum

 

Reading the newspaper nowadays can be an endurance test, filled as it is with relentlessly depressing stories or pathetic attempts to entertain an increasingly older demographic—and that’s just the Funky Winkerbean comic strip.

 

It’s important to focus on good news occasionally, like researchers in Wales who think they can eliminate leukemia in five years, or the Mayo Clinic curing cancer with techniques that worked only in mice, which is why so many mice have returned to chain smoking.

 

But there was a much greater announcement, one that set off a wave of celebration: Kim Kardashian’s planned book of selfies. Granted, much of the celebration came from my pants.

 

Now, I know what you’re saying: “Why didn’t you become a doctor?” At least, you’re saying that if you’re my mom. The rest of you are asking, “Do we need a book of selfies by a vapid, over-exposed narcissist whose career is predicated on nothing but a bodacious backside?” Hey, it worked for Diane Sawyer.

 

But Kim-Kay is the most photographed woman on the planet. Ninety percent of them were taken in her own bathroom and are already clogging up the pipes of the Internet like Jack Black’s back hair.

 

Why does the market need a book of selfies from a woman who has billions of free photos online already? It’s the same reason a man hires a prostitute when he’s married: Because the prostitute is portable, supports her local bookstore, and looks good on a coffee table.

 

OK, I don’t really know why, but it doesn’t matter. I’m not only camping out in front of Fitger’s Bookstore, I’m buying two copies, because I’m a-gonna fuck. One. UP.

 

While I’m at it, I might purchase one of these other upcoming celebrity books:

 

How to Win Friends and Influence People by Christian Bale (with Mel Gibson). Learn all the tricks of the trade, from screaming insanely at a gaffer to assaulting your mother. Hey, if you were his publisher, would you tell him you’re not publishing his book?

 

•Imaginative, exciting, original—all words never used to describe former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich’s science fiction. But now the same guy who brought you the Republican “Contract with America” in 1994 is back with an even more ridiculous work of fiction featuring his Crossfire co-host: I Had Sex with S.E. Cupp and She Totally Liked It.

 

•Michele Bachmann’s “interesting” observation that there was a swine flu epidemic under Jimmy Carter’s administration—in fact, it began under the Ford administration—is one of the highlights of the new tragic biography, I Can’t Believe No One’s Blamed Me on Obama Yet by the Ebola virus.

 

•The title says it all: Bribes, Blackmail, Blowjobs, and a Pact with Satan: Why I’m Allowed to Have a Successful Film Career by Michael Bay.

 

•This new 690-page tome has been updated to include Rick Perry, Bob McDonnell, Paul LePage, Chris Christie, and Scott Walker. It’s Fodor’s new directory, Corrupt Republican Governors Elected in Just the Past Few Years.

 

•Literally dozens of pages long, this new book claims to show her birth certificate, high school diploma equivalent, and numerous photos proving her existence: Remember Me? I Was Bella Thorne’s Co-Star by The Black Chick from Step It Up.

 

•Perhaps trying a little too hard to remain relevant, Madonna has released a follow-up to her sex book, Fifty Shades of Gray: My Pubic Hair Collection.

 

•Want a blow-by-blow description of the plot of Cannonball Run 2? You can find that, and tons more, in a new book by Senator Rand Paul, Other Speeches I Made that Were Lifted Directly from Wikipedia.

 

•Explore lifestyles of the rich and famous in this new travelogue from the Hamptons: Houses I’ve Crashed Into by Billy Joel.

 

•Putting a positive spin on an otherwise tragic subject, HarperCollins has released this new memoir by no-one’s-favorite-comedian-until-a-month-ago: Thank Heavens Everyone’s Forgotten Just How Irritating I Really Was by the corpse of Robin Williams.

 

•James Inhoffe, Todd Aiken, and other anti-science dullards will delight in this latest children’s book by Bill O’Reilly: Goodnight Moon, and Other Things That Can’t Explain Why the Tide Goes In and Out.

 

•Assassinating John Lennon has long tarnished his public image, but maybe luck will change for Mark David Chapman with his new apologetic memoir: I Was Aiming at Yoko.

 

•“No one stops to think how heavy this thing is that we carry behind us,” says this new motivational book, “yet somehow we manage to keep her upright.” Overcoming Gravity: The Kate Upton’s Boobs Story.

 

•The diabetic Paula Deen, tired of just using butter and starch as her weapons, ups the ante with her new book of recipes: Arsenic, Cyanide, and Drano: Maybe These Will Finally Kill Off the Rest of You Assholes.

 

•Finally comes a book from a would-be celebrity: Here’s Another Damn Book That No One Will Read by Jason Johnson. And you’d better read it, or my next book will be a book of butt selfies. In a thong.

 

I’m done.

 

Jason Johnson is the author of Here’s Another Damn Book That No One Will Read. Prove him wrong, folks. Prove him wrong.

 

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