New Fall TV Shows You'll Never See

September 10, 2014

 

Lawrance Bernabo

The Sneezing Opossum

 

One percent of TV programming might be original. The rest is some nitwit’s attempt to come up with the next Friends, the next Lost, the next Game of Thrones, the next whatever.

 

In my considered opinion, new shows should not just try to come up with a new twist—The Voice is American Idol with swivel chairs! The next logical stage in television programming should be an emphasis on hybrids, where you take two hit shows, put them together, and unleash it on the audience.

 

Furthermore, the way to do this is to take two shows that nobody in their right mind would put together, and put them together anyway.  

 

With that in mind, here are some shows you will not be seeing this fall, except in your dreams and/or nightmares, or possibly on VH1.

 

But Do You Look Good?: The next step in competitive singing shows will put the judges in isolation booths with headphones emitting black sound so their verdict is based totally on personal appearance and not on ability to sing.

 

The question is not whether the contestants can sing, but how good they look doing it. Only the audience will know how bad the contestants sound; the judges will have no clue.

 

The show might not discover any singing talent, but it will turn some of the famous judges into bigger fools than they are already are. Granted, this might not be possible with Nicole Scherzinger.

 

Rising Bachelor: You can breathe new life into competitive dating shows with the same approach. Enough of having some single woman or man decide who they want to end up with. It is time for the audience to decide if the wall gets raised so the guy can enter the bedroom where the girl awaits. After all, you cannot prostitute yourself for love. You can only prostitute yourself for money.

 

And wait until the special twist, where the audience gets to decide if the wall should rise for a bachelorette instead of a bachelor. Face it, America would vote for that in an instant.

 

Wednesday Night Survivor Football: The NFL does not have games on Wednesday—yet—but it is only a matter of time and, when they do, CBS will spice up the grid iron action by adding tried-and-true aspects of its long-running series, Survivor.

 

Each team will consist of 11 players, which means no substitutions. Ever. How tough will Ndamukong Suh be on defense when he is the only one left on his side of the ball?

 

Instead of helmets, each team wears buffs. But what happens when the ref tells all the players to drop their buffs and we end up with new teams? Every time a team scores, the other team has to vote off one of its members. Do you vote off your weakest player (Christian Ponder) or the guy most likely to win in the finale (Adrian Peterson)?

 

Immunity idols are hidden in the stadium. Do you stay on the field and try to make a play, or find the idol and save yourself?

 

Doctoring Naked: VH1 has Dating Naked, in which strangers go on exotic dates and “before they bare their souls, they bare everything else first.” They go on three naked dates and then decide which one they would like to continue seeing back home in the non-clothing-optional world.

 

The point of all television dating shows is for strangers to have sex, even if network television is unwilling to show it (for now). What appeals to the audience is not seeing sex or even nudity, but the idea that a stranger is willing to have sex.

 

This makes sense. Most people who know you would never have sex with you, so the idea that your options improve with strangers is attractive.

 

There’s no reason to stop at dating shows. VH1 can devote an entire network to every conceivable genre done in the nude: Doctoring Naked, Policing Naked, Broadcasting Naked, NBA Naked, etc.

 

(24-7)365xN: The 24 one-day-equals-one-season formula is brought to the crime genre, as we follow police investigating a murder. The victim is discovered in a swank New York apartment in Hour 1 and they wait for detectives to show up in Hour 4.

 

Things slow down a bit in episodes 9 through 14, because everybody is asleep, although one of the detectives gets up in episode 11 to go to the bathroom.   The series reaches a climax during May sweeps with the detectives waiting for lab results, which should show up in either season 4 or 5.

 

This could be the longest running show of all time, since it usually takes two or three years for a murder case to come to trial in NYC.

 

The final 500+ episodes should be transmitted directly into our brains, assuming evolution has not advanced to non-corporeal form by the 26th century.

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