The Sneezing Opossum
I recently hosted a Republican debate, as you know from its extensive media coverage here in this column and on my MySpace. Admittedly, it was a “kids’ table” debate, offered only to the second-tier candidates, which is to say, every single one of them.
The only one to decline the offer was Donald Trump, who bowed out due to my last column in which I compared him to an oil-soaked rat that convinces female rats he’s infertile so he doesn’t have to wear a condom. Trump retaliated by publicly releasing my phone number, which resulted in exactly one call asking if I’m content with my current cable company.
Unfortunately, the debate wasn’t filmed, because my cell phone battery died, having been left off its charger for a full eight minutes. I’ve tried to recreate the event here, keeping in mind that my memory has faded considerably in the last few years, and has faded a bit more since the start of this sentence.
The current Republican field is such a deep well of stupid that it’s difficult to tell the difference between satire and a candidate’s actual positions, so I’ve added notes when a candidate is accurately paraphrased (AP) and when I’m using a direct quote (DQ)—not to be confused with “DQR,” which means “Dairy Queen run,” and if you’re going, I’ll have a caramel shake.
Me: Welcome to the 2015 Jason Johnson’s Basement Debate. Megyn Kelly was supposed to be my co-host, but as Mr. Trump has pointed out, she was “bleeding from her eyes and bleeding from her wherever” (DQ). I just want to say before we begin that, if I start bleeding from my wherever, please stop the damn debate and call 911.
First question goes to Carly Fiorina, whose only qualification for the presidency was laying off 18,000 employees as head of Hewlett-Packard while still tanking the company’s stock prices. Mrs. Fiorina, you got fired from the job that you’re using to catapult your candidacy. Explain why I shouldn’t do a spit-take.
Fiorina: I got fired partly because I was too beautiful (AP). I could sit here and talk to you about the genetic lottery I’ve won for hours and hours (DQ).
Me: Hold on, I wasn’t ready for that much crazy. [Takes a swig and spit-takes to the left, drenching Brit Hume in a thick mist of Diet Dew.]
Hume: I have reason to believe that was deliberate.
Me: You’re Brit Hume; no one gives a damn what you think. One of my biggest regrets was running into you at the UMD campus during President Clinton’s visit and not screaming, “Hume, the journalism school is that way!” (True story.)
Next up is Ben Carson. Dr. Carson, much like Carly Fiorina is mistaken for a serious candidate so Republicans won’t come across as the uterus-controlling, Mad-Men sexists that they are, you seem to be treated seriously so the party can inoculate itself against the vote-suppressing, Confederate-flag waving racists that make up the party’s base and Fox’s chief demographic. Care to say something that will prove you have no right being a top-tier presidential contender?
Carson: I plan to tax sin (AP). A person’s earning would be compared and weighed against the amount or number of sins they have committed during the said tax period. Basically, the number of sins a person commits would be translated into a tax (DQ).
Me: Dick Cheney could wipe out the national debt. Anything else you’d like to add? Perhaps some fear-mongering, or bearing false witness against Planned Parenthood for donating tissue from aborted fetuses that you yourself have used for medical purposes?
Carson: Obamacare is really the worst thing that has happened in this nation since slavery (DQ). My use of fetal tissue is different from Planned Parenthood’s (AP). If you’re killing babies and taking the tissue, that’s a very different thing than taking a dead specimen and keeping a record of it (DQ).
Me: Holy crap, Bill O’Reilly’s drunken phone sex makes more sense than that and is only slightly less erotic. No wonder you’re polling at nine percent—a full eight points ahead of most of your rivals. Do you even know how much crazier Chris Christie will have to be to catch up to you?
What the hell?! Something just bit me on the leg! Oh, it’s Governor Bobby Jindal! Jesus, I totally forgot you were running for president. I’m not kidding; I had to Google it to be sure. Would you care to say something that will make British Prime Minister David Cameron nearly choke on his porridge (AP)?
Jindal: The city of Birmingham is totally Muslim and has Sharia courts to enforce Islamic law (AP). Also, shortly after I called out the GOP for being “the Stupid Party,” and despite being a Brown University biology major, I signed legislation in Louisiana allowing teachers to teach creationism along with evolution.
Also, I clearly pissed my pants when I gave that rebuttal to Obama’s State of the Union. (Not a quote, but true nonetheless.)
Me: Maybe Louisiana biology students can earn extra credit dissecting your bullshit. Anyway, it’s time for a caramel shake (DQR).
We’ll be back after these messages.
Jason Johnson is the author of Here’s Another Damn Book That No One Will Read. Prove him wrong, folks. Prove him wrong.