Keep 'em in your shirts, ladies!

August 19, 2014

Jason Johnson

The Sneezing Opossum


If you live in Minnesota, you may have noticed it got really warm for about an hour in July. It often surprises us that’s it’s supposed to be warm in the summer, much like when we learned normal people don’t consider 30 above to be “swimsuit season.”


And when the weather gets warm, people tend to expose more skin. This is partly because of the heat and partly because the typical American diet of ice cream and french fries gives us more skin to expose.


However, in relatively warm places, women often dress in styles skimpy enough to embarrass most African tribes depicted in National Geographic. Seriously, I saw a bare-chested Himba woman hand a UCLA co-ed a loincloth and tell her to “cover up.”


According to our most trusted source for news, Internet memes, such dress has prompted signs to go up on college campuses that read—and I’m paraphrasing here—“Just because her jugs are hanging out doesn’t give you the right to stare like a stoner who just became aware of his hand.”


They may have put it pithier than that, like, “Her right to wear shorts trumps your right to leer,” or “Check out my ass, but without using any of your optical senses.”


A nursing school in Austin, Texas, recently posted a sign suggesting that low-cut tank tops were not appropriate attire for a professional learning environment. The sign didn’t even last 24 hours, but the news stories and Internet comments will go on long after our sun goes nova.


The comments run along these lines:


(1) “Men are hyper-sexualized pond scum.” I actually don’t have a problem with this. No, really, go to the head of the class, Einstein.


(2) “I shouldn’t have to give up comfortable clothes just because they make men stare.” Yeah, well, it isn’t exactly comfortable taking my algebra test with a raging boner, either.


(3) “Men just have learn to control themselves.” OK, but why should we have to? Why can’t you have the self-control to keep your tits from hanging out? It’s called a bra, ladies.


Before I go further, let me be clear: There’s a time and place to wear skirts that show the bottom half of your butt cheeks. That time is virtually any time. But is it asking too much to have my heart surgery without a nurse’s free-floating knockers restricting the blood flow to one part of my body?


I once worked at a place that employed many college-aged women, and the dress code was broken with more frequency than international law under the Bush administration.


And I can tell you that it was a distraction. Accuse me all you want of lacking self-control, but my sexuality isn’t a switch I can turn off—you know, like the way you women can “shut that whole thing down” when you’re “legitimately raped.”


Having talked about the occasional hypocrisy of the female mindset before, I know I’ll be accused of being sexist, but there’s no double standard here: In fact, I think men should cover up all the time.


Unlike with women, there is no good time for a man to wear crotch-hugging shorts. Even most trannies wear dresses down to the ankle.


If anything, women are creating a double standard on this issue. Criticize a woman for wearing a mini-skirt to class and you’re a sexist perv. But watch those same women have a fit when I show up at a funeral in my Speedos.


Here’s the deal, ladies: It’s perfectly legal, and far more comfortable, for me to walk around in the summer without a shirt. I don’t do it. Why? Because no one needs to see my sagging, hairy man-boobs. It’s just common courtesy. Also, I’m tired of being mistaken for Helen Hunt.


Now, I’m willing to bet that somewhere there is a guy who dresses inappropriately for the occasion as well, strutting into the office in tight jeans and a muscle shirt, taking obnoxious selfies every time he uses the crapper. I’m also willing to bet that everyone considers him a narcissistic asshole—especially the women who are banging him.


The blunt truth is that men aren’t sexualized as often as women because we’re not as sexy. We’re just not. The reason you women appear to have more “self-control” on these matters is because usually the best-looking man in your office has the sex appeal of a wet dog carcass whose stench is only exacerbated by several bottles of Brut.


Again, I’m not asking that women give up the tight jeans. I’m asking for courtesy and good judgment. There’s no way I could write hard-hitting journalistic gold like this column if it had to share the screen with my favorite porn sites.


Speaking of which...I’m done.


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