The Sneezing Opossum
As a political humorist, it is incumbent upon me, whether I like it or not, to discuss the biggest political story of the summer, which is, of course, the presidential campaign of former Virginia Senator Jim Webb and the stirring speech he gave to the supporter in his bathroom mirror.
Webb says he’s running because he thinks the Democratic Party has moved too far to the left. In other news, NASA’s Kepler telescope has just determined the color of the sky on Webb’s planet.
Hmm? You thought I’d be talking about Donald Trump in this column? Why would you think that? Just because I’m a political humorist? That’s so...well, “racist” isn’t the word...it’s occupationist of you!
We political humorists have other things to talk about. You don’t have to love us just for our Trump jokes. Besides, I’m barely a political humorist. I’m a Z-grade columnist—much like Trump is a Z-grade candidate.
Oh, damn it, look what you made me do! Fine, we’ll talk about Donald Trump. But you started it. The hair gel is on your hands.
Actually, we political humorists aren’t as crazy about Donald Trump as you might think. Sure, he says really stupid things, but that makes our job more difficult, not easier.
Consider some of these actual, swear-to-God, look-them-up quotes by Trump:
•“If I ever run for president, you can interview the people who knew me in kindergarten. They’ll remember me.”
•“I’ve said if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.”
•On his pregnant wife: “She has really become a monster. I mean monster in the most positive way.”
•On opposing gay marriage: “It’s like in golf. A lot of people...are switching to these really long putters, very unattractive. It’s weird...and I hate it. I have so many fabulous friends who happen to be gay, but I am a traditionalist.”
•“I have a great relationship with the Mexican people... I have many legal immigrants working with me. And many of them come from Mexico. They love me, I love them… [I]f I get the nomination, I’ll win the Latino vote.” (Perhaps it isn’t surprising that Trump has also said, “I have a great relationship with the blacks.”)
•“If there’s one word to describe Atlantic City, it’s big business. Or two words: big business.”
Really, if you were a political humorist, how would you improve on that geyser of moronic batshit? It’s like Mystery Science Theater mocking a Monty Python film.
Jon Stewart on The Daily Show announced Trump’s candidacy with an extended bit about how easy his last days on the job would be thanks to Trump. But, notably, the bit contained very few actual jokes about Trump, just as any bit featuring Jordan Klepper and Al Madrigal probably isn’t going to contain any actual humor.
(Can we agree that Jon Stewart is leaving the show with the worst batch of correspondents ever? Klepper is the smarmiest liberal since Anthony Weiner, but with none of Weiner’s quick wit and half his charm. Madrigal thinks an unfunny joke will eventually become funny if you beat it to death with a horse’s severed head. I’ve laughed harder at an AIDS documentary. Anyway, I digress.)
So you all came here for Trump jokes. I guess I’ll have to provide, but much like Trump’s comb-over, they won’t do the job very well.
After Don Lemon confronted Trump about his claim that Mexico is sending rapists to the US, Trump countered with irrefutable logic: “Who’s doing the raping, Don? Who’s doing the raping?” This was followed by some awkward whistling from Bill Cosby.
Trump did, in fact, force Mexico to admit that it was sending over its undesirables. However, they insisted that the only two people who actually went were Meat Loaf and Dennis Rodman.
Trump insists that he will force China to stop manipulating its currency—a claim he supports solely with his tough negotiation skills. It’s the “Because I Said So” Doctrine, which will work perfectly as long as China is ruled by seven-year-olds.
Trump’s plan to combat global warming is similarly ambitious and doomed to failure: He’s going to limit his hot-air bloviating to every other Thursday.
His border plan is to build a great wall and “make the Mexicans pay for it.” This actually makes sense: If Trump becomes president, Mexicans will happily pay for a wall to keep out the fleeing Americans.
When Trump sent investigators to Hawaii to find Obama’s birth certificate, he claimed they “couldn’t believe what they were finding.” I wouldn’t believe my luck either, if I found an unlimited expense account attached to a bottomless pit of gullibility.
Trump recently gave out Senator Lindsay Graham’s phone number. I dialed it, but all I got was some chick named Jenny.
Predictions: His will be the first administration to select the First Lady via swimsuit competition, and his first address to Congress will include the phrase, “This place is full of goombahs.”
Enough! I’ve given you people enough.
Jason Johnson is the author of Here’s Another Damn Book That No One Will Read. Prove him wrong, folks. Prove him wrong.