Left-handed mosquitoes write bad poetry

August 11, 2015


Kris Milstead
The Sneezing Opossum

August 11 reminds us that summer is starting to wind down with Play in the Sand Day. Hit the beach and build a sand castle. Fall is coming and you don’t want to look back with regret.

Go retro August 12 with Vinyl Record Day. Dust off your old LPs and bang your head—against the wall when your kids ask what those funny-looking CDs are. It’s also Middle Child’s Day, but no one notices, or cares, or usually even remembers.

August 13: International Lefthanders Day. Remember, some of the coolest people in history were left-handed, such as Jimmy Hendrix, Jon Stewart, and Richard Simmons. (Ok, two out of three ain’t bad.)

August 14: National Creamsicle Day. Relive your childhood by chasing down the ice cream man. If you prefer a more adult approach, mix orange soda and whipped cream flavored vodka. If you drink too many, you’re in perfect shape for Relaxation Day on August 15.

You might want to sit this out after the last few days’ revelries, but if you're feeling up to it, August 16 is Rollercoaster Day. Skip the pre-ride hot dogs.  

August 17 seems like it should be closer to Halloween: Black Cat Appreciation Day. Black cats have lower adoption rates, so consider taking one in. They’re not plotting to kill you. Well, no more so than any other cat.

August 18 is the perfect chance to show your affection to your loved one (or your new black cat) with Bad Poetry Day. Here’s a head start: Roses are red/Violets are blue/Some poems rhyme/This one doesn’t.

August 19: Photography Day. Maybe you’d like to see my 1,500 cat photos?

I would just as soon not think about August 20: World Mosquito Day. Who thinks up these things?!

August 21 is National Spumoni Day, celebrating a frozen desert that originated in Italy. In Canada, they celebrate this day on November 13, which we Americans call “Macy’s Putting Up Its Christmas Decorations Day.”

August 22 reminds me of the joke about two old men. One says, “My wife is an angel.” The other says, “You’re lucky. Mine’s still alive.” Do a good deed today in honor of Be An Angel Day. Just don’t take it too literally.

Calories don’t count on August 23: National Sponge Cake Day.

August 24 marks the ninth anniversary of a sad event in history: Pluto Demoted Day. Recent discoveries may yet vindicate us all.

August 25 is Kiss and Make Up Day. Sure, your partner was wrong, but overlook that just for this one day. Certainly, they’ll be wrong again tomorrow.

Looks like every dog does, indeed, have its day. That day would be August 26.

August 27 is (seriously) Just Because Day. Now they’re just messing with us.

August 28: Bow Tie Day. This would be more perfect if it were also Matt Smith’s birthday, but, sadly, that is October 28.

August 29: More Herbs, Less Salt Day. I recommend parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme. (Sorry about that.)

August 30 is the best holiday in existence: Toasted Marshmallow Day and Slinky Day. Celebrate separately, because toasting your slinky is an environmental hazard.

August 31 wraps up the summer, with National Eat Outside Day. If you’re a mosquito, this means you just got two holidays.

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