Beware the steaming zucchini!

August 3, 2016


Kris Milstead
The Sneezing Opossum

August 2 is National Coloring Book Day. Celebrate with your favorite Game of Thrones or Doctor Who coloring book. Don’t let anyone try to tell you coloring books are for kids. You don’t need that kind of negativity inside your blanket fort.

August 3: Watermelon Day. It’s cool, delicious, and has no calories. Plus, you can spit the seeds at anyone who makes fun of your coloring books.

August 4 is National Chocolate Chip Day. Celebrate by baking some cookies for your favorite writer. Remember, writers can make you a character in their stories, so be kind and bring chips.

August 5 is International Beer Day. Some fun for your next game of Trivial Pursuit: Beer dates back to 9500 BC. The world’s strongest beer is a 135-proof Scottish brew. Since beer is usually only 10-proof, it’s no wonder they call this brand “Snake Venom.” Imbibe responsibly or risk losing at Trivial Pursuit.

Unsurprisingly, August 6 is International Hangover Day. You didn’t listen to me yesterday, did you?

August 7: Friendship Day. The perfect opportunity to make up for what you did on International Beer Day.

August 8 sort of violates yesterday’s affirmation of love and friendship: Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor’s Porch Day. Let’s face it, you’ve always wanted an excuse to do this.

August 9: International Art Appreciation Day. Use some of your Monet to buy Degas to make your Van Gogh to the local art museum. (Don’t use that tone with me. You knew the puns were bad when we started this and—hey, why is there a zucchini on my doormat?)

August 10: National Duran Duran Appreciation Day. No one has celebrated this since 1985. Are these guys even on Planet Earth anymore? Their Wild Boys days are over and all we have left are some Careless Memories. Sorry, I think I fell prey to some sort of Reflex.

August 11 is Presidential Joke Day. Given the current election, this holiday is a joke in itself. But it turns out, Presidential Joke Day originated in 1984 when, during a mic check, Ronald Reagan quipped, “My fellow Americans, I’m pleased to tell you today that I’ve signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever.” August 12, 1984, was the first Foot in Mouth Day.

August 12 pays homage to those of a certain age: Vinyl Record Day. Dust off your turntable and spin those 78s! The first person to ask, “What’s a record?” gets a zucchini on their doorstep. (Sorry, Reflex!)

August 13: International Left Handers Day. The universe only allows for a few perfect people. The rest of you are right-handed.

August 14 has a scoop on the latest fun with Creamsicle Day. This frozen treat was invented in 1905 by Frank Epperson when he left fruit juice in the freezer over a layer of vanilla ice cream. Orange you glad I’m here to (soft-)serve these tidbits of knowledge?

August 15: Relaxation Day! Wait to celebrate until you get home. Unemployment is not very relaxing.

August 16 comes with its own twists and turns: Rollercoaster Day. It’s also National Airborne Day. If the rollercoaster misses a curve, you can celebrate both.

August 17 is purrfect: Black Cat Appreciation Day. Black cats have long been considered both omens of evil and of good luck. Just ask King Charles I. He was so devoted to his black cat he had it guarded 24 hours a day. The day after it died, he was arrested for treason. I’m not sure which side of the argument that falls on.

August 18: Mail Order Catalogue Day. It may seem barbaric, but there was a time when we ordered things out of a paper catalogue and the items arrived via snail mail. Now we order things off Amazon and the items arrive via snail mail after being mishandled by some of the most exploited workers on the planet. Ah, progress.

August 19: International D̶o̶n̶a̶l̶d̶ ̶T̶r̶u̶m̶p̶ Orangutan Day. Orangutans are the smartest non-human primate. They have been known to lie and to understand humor, such as: Why don’t orangutans in the jungle play poker anymore? Because there are too many cheetahs.

August 20 is International Tongue Twister Day. Try saying that three times fast. (That! That! That!)

August 21: World Poets Day. I’m not sure why we need another day for poetry just a month after Take Your Poet to Work Day, but who am I to argue? Celebrate by reciting haikus/Confuse your friends and neighbors/Trust me, it will be fun.

August 22 gives us our second cat holiday: Take Your Cat to the Vet Day. From the cat’s perspective, this is not worth celebrating, but your cat still needs a checkup. They won’t thank you for it, but if it were appreciation you wanted, you wouldn’t own a cat.

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