The Sneezing Opossum
Every time I do a “random thoughts” column, I start off complaining about “random thoughts” columns. I really do find them intellectually lazy. Why do I keep doing them?
Because I am also physically lazy, and I didn’t want to do any research, so here are the things that have recently oozed out of my head:
•Why do sports fans always assume every man they meet is into sports? Can you at least establish whether or not I’m a sports fan before you ask me obtuse questions about football? I’m a comic book fan, but I don’t just walk up to random people and ask, “So, who do you like in the New Avengers?”
•You have to figure that, with all those foreign tourists kissing the Blarney Stone, it’s got to be riddled with more germs than Colin Quinn.
•People who say, “There’s no point in arguing,” generally can’t argue worth shit.
•Left-handed people are an abomination against our Lord. It’s a wonder that we allow them to marry or adopt children.
•OK, Kim Jung-Un, we get it: You have a tiny penis.
•“KOOL 101.7! This is ‘kool’ music!” said the radio, just before playing “Copacabana.”
•When I’m 69 years old, I am going to giggle for an entire year.
•I’m an environmentalist and believe in conserving water, but even I have no qualms with the “courtesy flush.” In fact, sometimes I’ll do one as a courtesy to myself.
•Also, as much as I support a green planet, I will tolerate no more talk about conserving toilet paper. I don’t care if the world ends; I will have a clean anus.
•Amount of dessert topping that goes on my dessert: Two percent. Amount that goes directly down my gullet: 98 percent.
•You know what I miss most about my grandma? Her catchphrase, “Suck my old-lady balls!”
•Right-wingers are always complaining about liberal academia “indoctrinating” their kids. Oh, please. Despite years of indoctrination by my teachers, I still don’t brush my teeth every day.
•I can prove I’m not racist, because none of my closest friends are black.
•You know what word shouldn’t be an insult? Slut. I love sluts! You know why? Because they’re sluts!
•In junior high, I knew a girl who said she liked Michael Jackson, not because of his music, but because he was “cute.” I sure wish I could find her again. I have so many questions.
•Not since my twenties have I bought a pair of shoes that didn’t fall apart in a few weeks. How is it Asian sweatshop kids are paid two cents an hour, and they can’t even earn that?
•If you do a “trust fall” with me, you can trust I will laugh hysterically as your head bounces off the floor.
•When Olive Garden says, “When you’re here, you’re family,’ what they mean is, “We’re not going to serve you the good shit that we bring out when we have guests.”
•A better title for the film God’s Not Dead would be No College Professor Like This Actually Exists.
•Stephen Hawking recently said artificial intelligence was mankind’s biggest mistake. Three words for you, Mr. Hawking: George W. Bush.
•If you don’t believe the world is largely populated by stupid people, you’re part of the problem.
•There’s an online service that will continue to post status updates on social media sites even after your death. I suspect most of them will read, “Yep, still cold and dark down here.”
•Can’t we just let Amanda Knox and Jodi Arias go already? Look, pretty girls just do stuff. Besides, they’re all killers, am I right, fellas?
•With all due respect to Bill Nye, if we’re still debating global warming, the stupid people already won.
•“Barely legal” still means legal. You might as well call your publication No Fun Anymore.
•In order to save Jessica Alba in Sin City, Bruce Willis tells himself, “Get up, old man! You’re worthless!” Me, I say that every time I get out of bed.
•Another International Women’s Day and I still haven’t gotten any international women as presents.
•Anyone who says, “I live for chocolate!” needs to seriously re-evaluate their worth to this planet.
•Losing George Clooney to marriage is like losing Bill Maher to Catholicism.
•Paul McCartney’s Asian tour was suspended because of a serious virus. I miss the good ol’ days when his Asian tours were ended because of pot busts.
•I saw an article with the title, “7 Places to See Before They’re Gone.” It included the western Ukraine and six video-rental stores.
•I’d like to die an honorable death. But if I can’t, I’ll settle for autoerotic asphyxiation.