Wherever you go, whatever you do don’t forget to put on pants first

July 12, 2016


Kris Milstead
The Sneezing Opossum

July 12 is Different Colored Eyes Day. If you had different colored eyes in the Middle Ages, you’d have been branded a witch. Today, we recognize it as a genetic thing, generally caused by inbreeding. Kind of makes you look at those folks with new eyes, doesn’t it?

July 13: National French Fries Day. Indulge in a plate of them with tons of ketchup. For international flair, add some cheese curds and gravy and, voila, poutine! Avoid dipping them in mayonnaise, though. That’s barbaric.

July 14: International Nude Day. I suggest celebrating this one in private with the curtains drawn. You don’t want to wind up as the inspiration for Ugly Naked Person in the Friends remake.

July 15 is Be A Dork Day. I’ve pretty much got this one down, but those of you who are more poised can observe the day by tripping over your shoelaces or not shutting up long after you should have.

July 16 is World Snake Day. Considering I shriek at the sight of an animated snake in a Disney movie (see: Be A Dork Day), you can rest assured I will not be celebrating. I don’t even have any advice; just keep it away from me.

July 17: Yellow Pig Day was invented in the early ’60s when a couple of mathematicians became obsessed with the number 17. For reasons still unclear, this evolved into a yellow pig with 17 eyelashes. Personally, I think the mathematicians were dipping into the chemists’ ethanol.

July 18 offers an opportunity to make up for every time you’ve told your spouse, “Yes, that outfit does make you look fat,” or called your mother-in-law an “insufferable witch.” It’s Get Out of the Doghouse Day. Claim temporary insanity, or alien abduction, or whatever you need to get back in their good graces. At least until the next time you decide your foot would make a tasty meal.

July 19 is Daiquiri Day. Lie back in a hammock with one of these cool, refreshing drinks. Just be careful not to overindulge or your butt will be in a sling.

July 20: Take Your Poet to Work Day. Actually, this is a very bad idea. Most literary types prefer as little social interaction as possible. Going to work with you would require small talk and people would ask us to recite poetry. You would never be able to face your co-workers again. Trust me, this way leads to madness!  

July 21: No Pet Store Puppies Day. If you’re in the market for a puppy, consider adopting one from the animal shelter. If you paws long enough to comb your hair and tuck in your shirt, I’m sure there will be a dog ready and willing to adopt you.

July 22 is another math holiday: Pi Approximation Day. Also known as Casual Pi Day, it plays on the fact that 22/7 is a common approximation of pi. Looks like the mathematicians have been dipping into the ethanol again.

July 23: Gorgeous Grandma Day. Give your gorgeous grandparent a call. Or send cookies. Nothing says I love you like chocolate chip cookies. Make sure you send some to your columnist as well. You know, for quality control.

July 24 is Tell an Old Joke Day. The oldest recorded joke dates back to 1600 BC. “Something which has never occurred since time immemorial: A young woman did not fart in her husband’s lap.” Guess you had to be there.

July 25 is a real whirlwind: Merry-Go-Round Day. Head to the park and take a ride on the carousel. Just don’t eat any hot dogs first.

Either celebrate big on July 26 or don’t celebrate at all. It’s All or Nothing Day! Carpe diem! Go big or go home! Other outdated clichés! Whatever you do today, give it your all, even if your “all” means putting on pants.

July 27 is Take Your Houseplant For a Walk Day. Last year, I erroneously reported this as take your pants for a walk day, but just to be on the safe side, wear pants when you take your houseplant for a walk. That incident with neighborhood watch is still pretty fresh in our minds.

July 28: National Milk Chocolate Day. Today demands celebration! You don’t want to let me down, do you?

July 29 is National Talk in an Elevator Day. It’s a brave person who talks in the elevator, so take your newfound confidence from All or Nothing Day, and give a hearty hello to your fellow riders. If there’s no one there, you can talk to the security camera. No one ever says hi to them.

July 30 is a bibliophile’s dream: Paperback Book Day. Shut down your kindle, find a shady spot, and whip out your paperback book. If anyone bothers you, you can bop them over the head with it.

July 31: Uncommon Instrument Awareness Day. Before you call me a lyre, see for yourself. Accordion to the calendar, I’m correct, but don’t worry, I won’t harp on it.

August 1 is National Psychic Day. I know what you’re thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself!

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