The Sneezing Opossum
To discuss the tactics of the modern gun lobby, you have to understand: (1) the disturbingly violent rhetoric of the militant Right, and (2) the English language, especially the dirty parts.
Now, I may be accused of unfairly portraying pro-NRA types as knuckle-dragging, flag-waving, fear-mongering, illiterate alcoholics, who say “Constitution” every other word but haven’t actually read the damn thing, and whose mothers should have flushed them down the crapper as soon as they slithered out of her thorax—
Hmm? No, I wasn’t really going anywhere with that. I just said I’d be accused of it.
Anyway, to understand my less-civil-than-usual tone, we need to establish context. Here are some actual anti-gun nut actions in the past year:
●A rally for Mothers Demand Action, a pro-gun law group, was surrounded by members of Open Carry Texas brandishing their penises—sorry, their assault weapons—in order to intimidate the mothers, whom OCT chair CJ Grisham referred to as “thugs with jugs.” He may be a misogynist bully, but he has a poet’s heart.
The OCT counter-protesters eventually broke up and went to Hooters. (Really. That’s not a joke. Apparently, all that talk of jugs made them hungry.)
●A pro-gun rally in Plano, Texas, seemed to be getting out of hand, with threats of violence passed around like racist jokes in a Republican staffer’s email account.
A nearby teacher called the Plano police non-emergency number, and then promptly had her own number published on a pro-NRA website, which, of course, prompted many rational discussions about the declining level of political discourse.
Ha! No, they forced her to abandon her cell phone because of the constant messages of “fucking whore” and “stupid bitch”—none them delivered in the loving, familial way that we often use when addressing Olympia Dukakis.
●Some prick in Georgia waved a gun outside a Little League park, telling concerned parents, “You can’t do nothing about it.” It’s worth noting that 88 percent of the Little Leaguers not only had better grammar, but 100 percent had fewer shit stains in their cowardly little pants.
●Gun nuts threatened to burn down a gun shop and/or kill the owner’s dog because he planned to sell a “smart gun,” which can be fired only by its owner. Naturally, gun nuts oppose anything “smart.”
●Joe the Plumber told parents of the victims of the UCLA shooting, “Your dead kids don’t trump my Constitutional rights.” This is why he’s now known as Joe the Constitutional Fucking Scholar.
This leads us to Jennifer Longdon, a gun-safety advocate who was paralyzed in a 2004 shooting. Since then, she’s had to endure name-calling, death threats, and the typical elevated dialogue one might expect from a bunch of tiny-peckered, white-trash taint blossoms.
At one point, Longdon was shot in the face with a water pistol by an assailant who told her, “Don’t you wish you had a gun now, bitch?” Nothing proves that gun laws should be loosened like a mock execution.
Longdon was spit on at an Indianapolis airport by an unidentified man, although one presumes his police sketch would closely resemble a racist, dick-faced ass pirate. Because the attack was not caught on security cameras and Longdon was the only witness, right-wing pundits quickly denounced the attack as a hoax.
Now, keep in mind these same people are not denying that Longdon underwent death threats and was shot execution-style with a water pistol. But spit on a handicapped woman? Never! That would be a waste of the saliva needed to swallow their own bullshit!
It’s true that this leaves us only Longdon’s word. So we’re left to choose whether to believe her, or believe it’s a hoax—according to a group of paranoid, tinfoil-headed boner zealots, who think they can somehow take out an M1 Abrams tank with the rifles in their outhouse.
Needless to say, nothing surprises me about the gun-nut fringe anymore. Unless one of those brainless, spineless, bile-spewing, sexually repressed sphincter monkeys could actually utter a sentence without lying or drooling on his “Keep Calm and Hit Her” T-shirt.
I’m done. For now.
Jason Johnson is the author of Here’s Another Damn Book That No One Will Read. Prove him wrong, folks. Prove him wrong.