The Sneezing Opossum
A recent public outrage resulted in broken windows, burning cars, looting, police officers getting wedgies, and other acts of anarchy normally found only in a Libertarian’s wet dream. I’m talking, of course, about the militant feminist reaction to the cover of Batgirl.
Before I go on, I want to emphasize that I won’t be using the term “feminazi,” because, like prescription drugs, Rush Limbaugh abuses it. I prefer “Women with Tons of Idle Time,” or, “Chicks with TITS.”
If you haven’t heard about the Great Batgirl Cover Controversy of ’15, congrats, you probably have a social life. Or perhaps you saw an article about it on Facebook, prefaced with the phrase, “Rick HulkFan Jones commented on this,” which he most likely did using all caps and with so many grammatical errors that it looked like obscene alien pictographs.
The controversy was about an alternate cover to Batgirl #41. To be clear, this wasn’t the actual cover; it was an alternate one that would be seen by only a fraction of Batgirl’s meager readership. So it reached about the same number of people who have seen Pat Nixon’s orgasm face.
The proposed cover showed The Joker painting a red smile on the terrified face of the captive Batgirl. Worse, he appeared to be taunting her by pointing out that Batman had showed up earlier wearing the same outfit, and we all know chicks hate that.
Now, if your reaction is, “Well, that’s a terrifying but effective cover to a comic book aimed at the adult collector market,” then you are obviously too reasonable to survive in the era of manufactured Internet outrage.
Clearly, you don’t realize this cover is the most shockingly offensive thing to happen to women ever. It’s worse than the time Ray Rice and José Conseco took turns beating each other’s wives at a human trafficking auction, and then called the arriving female police officer “sugar tits” and said she was only arresting them because it was “her time of the month.”
The Batgirl cover was savagely beaten and molested by Chicks with TITS, who claimed it glamorized female subjugation and rape. They made their case in the usual rational way—by issuing death threats. To be fair, the artist was male, and was, therefore, asking for it by not wearing a bra and panties.
Now, if you were to ask Chicks with TITS, they’ll say, “Hey, the cover’s been withdrawn, so the issue is over! Why are you still obsessing about it?”
Oh, I don’t know. Why are you still obsessing about how I slept with your sister?
A few years earlier, DC released a cover to Suicide Squad with a female character holding a male captive. And much like comic book fans hitting on a cosplayer, not a single fuck was given.
Even more recently, Avengers stars Jeremy Renner and Chris Evans joked that Black Widow was a “slut.” First of all, I resent that “slut” is considered an insult. If it weren’t for sluts, the only dates I could get would be with Catwoman fan porn.
But what was beautiful about Renner’s forced apology was that, if you read between the lines, he said, “I’m apologizing to a fictional character, but only because I want to move on. I have important shit to do, like giving dopey answers to fluff questions on a vapid press tour.”
Reading between the lines of Chris Evans’ apology, he’s saying, “Suck it, losers. I slept with Jessica Biel.” It’s subtler, but it’s there.
One more event of cosmic importance is Spider-Woman’s butt, which was featured prominently on yet another alternate cover by erotic artist Milo Manara. Chicks with TITS hit the roof, bemoaning the sexualization of female characters. After all, male superheroes are drawn as fat, bloated slobs, fighting crime in their sweatpants.
So the Spider-Woman cover was withdrawn as well, but not before the controversy plastered Spider-ass in every nook and cranny of my Facebook news feed. I haven’t seen that much ass on my computer since...well, since the last time I logged in, but you get the point.
Now, before any female readers call me a misogynist asshole, let me clear: I’m a feminist. Really. The only cause I feel more strongly about than women’s rights is the never-ending war on stupidity.
Chicks with TITS are hurting their own cause by debating the artistic depiction of fictional women who fly, shoot ray beams, and magically get paid the same as their better-selling male counterparts. Find a new hobby. Might I recommend Angry Birds?
Jason Johnson is the author of Here’s Another Damn Book That No One Will Read. Prove him wrong, folks. Prove him wrong.