Let the sea monkeys eat chocolate cake

May 10, 2016


Kris Milstead
The Sneezing Opossum

May 10 is Clean Up Your Room Day. Celebrate by throwing everything in a giant box and tossing it in your closet. Problem solved, at least until Clean Your Closet Day comes around.

May 11 is yet another holiday that will leave you wondering who the heck comes up with these: Root Canal Appreciation Day. The only appreciation anyone has for a root canal is when it’s over. Still, set your clock to celebrate at 2:30 (give it a minute, it’ll come to you).

May 12: Limerick Day. On this day in 2016/A comedy writer turned green/’Twas a column to write/but it took her all night/And finally she started to scream...because she sucks at limericks.

May 13: Top Gun Day. Throw on a leather jacket, cheap aviator sunglasses, and sing some bad karaoke. Quote lines from the movie all day, and don’t forget a moment of silence for Goose.  

May 14: Dance Like A Chicken Day! Do the Chicken Dance or even the Funky Chicken. Just don’t do the Turkey Dance as that would be fowl.

May 15 swings back to the food holidays with National Chocolate Chip Day. The inventor of the chocolate chip cookie was paid one dollar and a lifetime of chocolate for her recipe. Sounds like a raw deal to me, but I guess that’s the way the cookie crumbles.

May 16: National Sea Monkey Day. Popularized in 1956, sea monkeys are a hybrid of brine shrimp. It’s amazing what we will do to bilk kids out of a few bucks. So raise a glass and toast the sea monkey. Just don’t drink it or you might end up with sea people.

May 17 is Telecommunications Day. Celebrate by using the Internet to do something other than look at cat videos. That weird dial pad can be used to call your family and friends. The cat videos will still be there.

May 18 is for clean freaks: No Dirty Dishes Day. Don’t just lye there. Sink yourself into it. But don’t sing or you might end up in a soap opera.

May 19: National Devil’s Food Cake Day. In the famous words of Marie Antoinette, “Let me eat cake!” Ok, I might have paraphrased that a pinch.

May 20: Be A Millionaire Day. Take a look at the mansion on Park Place. Build a fancy house on Atlantic Avenue. Put the Monopoly pieces back when you’re done.

May 21 promotes water safety with National Learn to Swim Day. If you can’t swim, it’s a good idea to learn. You don’t want to wind up swimming with the fishes.

May 22 is Goth Day. Change your name to Theodoric the Great and sack Rome. Just clean up when you’re done, or people will think you’re some sort of barbarian.

May 23: Lucky Penny Day. On this day in 1934, Bonnie and Clyde were killed. Guess they needed a penny.

May 24: Tiara Day. Today you deserve to be treated like a queen. That is to say, put under a media microscope and have your marriage arranged for political reasons.

May 25 is for the geeks and nerds: Towel Day. Feeling unprepared? Don’t panic! Pull out your tattered copy of Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy and find a tree to sit under. Douglas Adams would want nothing less.

May 26: National Paper Airplane Day. See who can fly theirs the farthest or come up with the best decoration. Just remember, it’s not the destination but the journey, which, admittedly, isn’t very far in a paper airplane.

May 27: Hug Your Cat Day. Cats are not known for being eager huggers, but if you tread carefully you might get in a quick snuggle. I tried last night. You can call me “Stumpy” from now on.

May 28: Hamburger Day. Park your buns in your favorite burger joint. Just guard your juicy beef patty with care as you never know when the Hamburglar will strike.

May 29: End of Middle Ages Day. Today the Middle Ages became the Senior Citizen Ages. Somewhere Chaucer is yelling at Michelangelo to get off his lawn.

May 30 is Water A Flower Day. Without flowers, our planet would be a barren wasteland. Do you know how hard it is to grow things on Mars? Just ask Matt Damon.

May 31: Save Your Hearing Day: Feeling ear-itable? March to a different (ear)drum and spread some lobe to someone you find ear-resistible!

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