Why, yes, I can pun, Your Honor, I was convicted of mans laughter

April 19, 2016

Kris Milstead
The Sneezing Opossum

Welcome to the middle of April! You have now survived Name Yourself Day, Plan Your Own Epitaph Day, Bat Day, and Columnist Appreciation Day (I’m still waiting for that pizza).


April 19 is National Garlic Day. Known throughout history for its health benefits, garlic was used as a performance enhancement drug by athletes in ancient Greece. Egyptian soldiers used it for courage in battle, and Buffy used it to ward off Spike. It’s also used to ward off unwanted suitors. I’d stake my life on it!


April 20: Look Alike Day. Find your evil doppleganger and confuse your friends. Just don’t be surprised when the bodies start piling up. You knew your twin was evil when you went down this road.


April 21 is National High-Five Day. Might be a good idea to warn the person first, so you don’t high-five their face. It’s not Chris Brown Day.


April 22 is the best holiday ever! (I know I say that about a lot of holidays, but I mean it this time.)  It’s National Jelly Bean Day. Granted, now that Easter has, er, passed over, they’re harder to find, but don’t resort to the licorice ones. Stay strong! Those are gross.


April 23: National Zucchini Bread Day. If you are a fan, knock yourself out. Personally, I’m not a zucchini lover, so I’d be happy to squash this one.


April 24 is—no, this can’t really be a holiday... Really? New Kids on the Block Day? The boy band, not new people moving into your neighborhood?  Ok, Happy Celebrate Your Good Taste in Music Day!


April 25: World Penguin Day. These fun water fowl are found exclusively in the Southern Hemisphere and, being good Southerners, they love crawfish and chitlins. Not really, but, bless your heart, I had you going!


April 26: Hug an Australian Day. You think you don’t know any Australians on whom to celebrate this day. Well, Hugh Jackman, Cate Blanchett, and Chris Hemsworth are all Aussies. Just don’t call me for bail money.


April 27 is Tell A Story Day. Once Upon A Time there was a brilliant columnist who was grossly underappreciated by her readers. The readers were sorry and sent her jelly beans. Because the jelly beans were not licorice-flavored, everyone lived Happily Ever After.


April 28: Great Poetry Reading Day. I suggest a viewing of the 2009 White House Poetry Reading Jam. Bonus points for a baby-faced Lin-Manuel Miranda, introducing the world to an early rendition of Hamilton: The Musical.


April 29 is Hairball Awareness Day. We don’t really need a holiday for this. When a cat has a hairball, people know it for five counties.


April 30: Honesty Day. This is supposed to be the counterpart to April Fool’s Day. Since the first of the month is dedicated to falsehoods, the last day of the month should be dedicated to telling the truth.  Honestly? I think someone just ran out of April holidays.


May 1 is....NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA...Batman Day! On this day in 1939, the Caped Crusader made his first appearance in Detective Comics #27. Don your costume and get yourself to Batman vs. Superman. Hopefully, the extra-buttered popcorn will make up for the movie.


May 2: Baby Day. Sure, they’re wrinkly and they cry a lot and they’re prone to urinating on you. Just for today, though, give a baby a coo or a smile. You were once a wrinkly, crying pee machine, too.


May 3 is National Two Different Colored Shoes Day. I may be getting off on the wrong foot, but today is the perfect excuse to wear one striped shoe and one polka-dotted shoe or (if you want to try to pull off this day subtly) a black shoe and a brown one. Hop to it! You’re itching to! (You should probably get some foot cream for that.)


May 4 is Star Wars Day: May the 4th be with you.


May 5: Food-Poison Yourself Day. Ok, it’s actually Oyster Day. Oysters are best consumed in months with an R in them, but May is borderline, so you might be ok. Just proceed with caution and clam up if something’s fishy.


May 6: No Diet Day. Allow yourself to cheat. Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we diet!


May 7: Free Comic Book Day. The free ones are often a bit obscure or limited, but let’s face it, you’ve been wanting an excuse to pick up that new issue of Archie.


Celebrate the warmer weather on May 8: No Socks Day. Wiggle your toes in the fresh grass or walk barefoot in the sand. Just don’t step on any toes. You wouldn’t want people to think you’re a heel.


May 9 is the day you pay the price for yesterday: Lost Sock Memorial Day. Take a moment of silence to pay your respects to all your missing socks. Where do they go, anyway? We need to get Mulder and Scully on this one.

 

 

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