House, Senate recess; playground fights ensue
Washington, DC. The juvenilia of the 114th Congress was in full display as fighting broke out on the Capitol playground during congressional recess, in what is seen as another sign of the Republican leadership’s inability to discipline their members, who consist largely of rich, white children with too much money and cocaine.
This fighting comes on the heels of a major food fight in the congressional cafeteria, during which a ketchup-splattered Mitch McConnell was forced to flee from a barrage of hamburgers and chocolate mousse.
Earlier this month, Louie Gohmert was caught writing ethnic slurs about President Obama on the men’s room wall with his own poo.
Although Boehner and McConnell have been given numerous “time-outs,” only Aaron Schock showed up for detention, and he walked out halfway through.
Woman sexually harassing men finds sex partners
Rochester, MN. Ann Splodiepants, 24, is currently filming a documentary in which she sexually harasses men and films their reactions to “see how they like it,” an approach that has gotten her repeatedly laid.
“She started making catcalls at me as I passed a construction site,” says one of Splodiepants’ victims, Stud McGurkle. “She told me about all these sexual acts she wanted to perform on me, and next thing I know, we’re getting freaky on a bag of cement.”
“She was yelling at me that I was hot and probably great in bed,” says another victim, Vill McPickle. “I proved her right on that one.”
The film is expected to be released online on the kind of sites you delete from your browser before your wife or boss learns of them.
Taylor Swift Mafia to break, break, break your fingers
New York, NY. We hate, hate, hate to tell you, but some associates of Taylor Swift are coming with baseball bats, and your fingers gonna break, break, break.
When you decided to play, play, play at Swift’s casino (the one that fronts for her dog-fighting blood matches), you tried to shake, shake, shake her down with cards that were fake, fake, fake.
Swift doesn’t let the liars and dirty, dirty cheats of the world get her down and out. But you’re still due for this. Sick. Beating.
Anyone can do math, says man with math degree
Madison, WI. Absolutely anyone is capable of doing quadratic equations, and if you can’t, you must be a fucking idiot, according to a student teacher who owes $97,000 in college loans that he accumulated during his six years studying how to do that kind of thing.
“I always tell my students, anyone can do math if you really try,” says Andrew Dooshe, 29. “I’m always baffled and angered when a 14-year-old child can’t learn in two weeks to multiply rational expressions, the way I learned to do them in my junior year of undergraduate studies.”
If a student hasn’t learned the composition of linear functions by age 16, says Dooshe, “then he should jump in front of a train leaving the station at X miles an hour.”
Man’s honking clears traffic jam
Minneapolis, MN. A Waite Park native is being hailed as a hero after he honked his car horn, causing a congested highway to instantaneously clear.
“I don’t consider myself a hero,” says Bob Padawan, a local urine farmer. “Frankly, I’m surprised no one’s ever thought of it before.”
Although the intersection of I-35W and Highway 62 is currently clear thanks to Padawan, authorities say the honking practice likely will not catch on, due to the disinclination of Twin Cities’ drivers “to come across as unreasonable assholes.”
Jason Johnson is the author of Here’s Another Damn Book That No One Will Read. Prove him wrong, folks. Prove him wrong.