State Fair promises fun, music, vomit
St. Paul, MN. Organizers for the 2016 Minnesota State Fair predict record attendance, spectacular entertainment, and massive amounts of vomit at this year’s festival.
“We’ve got the best exhibits, plus activities for all age groups,” says spokesman Cleerlie Faikname. “We have all the usual attractions like the Space Tower, the milk run, and, of course, plenty of that famous Minnesota fried food, which will be puked into every single trash receptacle until they’re overflowing.”
The fair will include amusement rides like the Turbo Bungy and the Slingshot, which guarantee that the porta-potties will be covered in poorly aimed protein spills roughly ten minutes after the fair opens.
“Don’t forget to sign up for the talent contest,” Faikname reminds us. “We hope to see a lot of smiling faces, a lot of new tourists, and a veritable sea of barf whose stench will reach the outskirts of Minnetonka. Plus, Bonnie Raitt will be performing!”
Trump voter unsure if he’s racist or just stupid
Twig, MN. Although local resident Clunty Philbert, 46, knows he wants to vote for Donald Trump, he cannot decide if it’s because he’s a flaming bigot or because his IQ is in the lower two digits. “It’s a tough decision, one I take very seriously as an American citizen,” says Philbert from under his white hood. “Do I vote for Trump because I hate brown people, or because I’m poorly educated? I have to do what’s right for me and my family, even if it sends the country careening off a cliff.”
Philbert hopes he can vote for Trump simply because he’s a nihilist who wants the world to burn.
Pundits praise Sanders, but don’t mention the hair
Although talk show pundits swoon over Senator Bernie Sanders and his ambitious plans to combat income inequality, few seem willing to challenge him about that untamed thatch on the back of his skull.
“It’s a sad commentary on the modern media,” says media analyst Peckerhedd Duft. “There’s all this talk about his single-payer healthcare plan, and they won't shut up about his plans for free college. But good luck getting them to talk about his similarity to the Doc Brown character in Back to the Future. It’s media malpractice.”
Unfortunately, Duft concludes, unless the public demands otherwise, “It will be one drab, boring content analysis of a Bernie Sanders’ speech after another.”
Calls for Romney are coming from inside the house
Boston, MA. As a Trump nomination and a potential contested convention loom over the 2016 Republican nominations, calls are increasing for another Mitt Romney presidential run. However, authorities have noted that the calls appear to be coming from inside the house.
“We’ve notified the Romney family of the situation,” says investigating officer Mark Denton. “We’ve determined that the calls did not originate from outside the Romney residence. We recommend they spend some time abroad until this 2016 presidential mess blows over.”
When asked if charges are pending with regards to the threatening calls, Denton said simply, “He’s white and rich. You figure it out.”
Local house husband content with emasculation
Hermantown, MN. Local house-husband Lonnie Tootinpants says he’s happy to stay home with his five children as his wife provides for them, and he doesn’t regret having his scrotum completely removed.
“Look, I squeezed those fruits five times, and now I have a house full of beautiful, energetic, and life-absorbing children,” says Tootinpants. “So I no longer need to prove I’m a man by having those pesky testicles.”
Tootinpants claims many advantages to house-husbandry. “I get to watch TV all day, I can walk around in my pajamas and bunny slippers, my nutsack’s empty and I want to die, and everything is really just very swell.”
Millennial with Lennon shirt has no vinyl LPs
Right Over There, MN. Hey, see that kid in the Lennon t-shirt? Who the hell does he think he’s kidding? He probably doesn’t even own a single Lennon album on vinyl. No, not even Imagine or Plastic Ono Band. If he owns anything at all, it’s probably digital.
I’m not trying to be elitist, but Jesus Christ... I doubt he even knows who Lennon is. It’s like a Che Guevara thing with him. Even if he owns a few vinyl albums, I bet it’s just because of some hipster nostalgia fad. Seriously, what a pretentious dickhead.