Feel the Bern...but get a grip

March 8, 2016


Jason Johnson
The Sneezing Opossum

By the time you read this, the Minnesota caucuses will be over, and I’ll have cast my lot with Bernie Sanders, unless he does something I disapprove of, like win more votes in a fairly run election.

See how stupid you sound, Hillary haters? I may be on your side, but the next one to whine about losing the Iowa caucus is going to get thrown like a dildo to Steven Joyce’s face. (Google it.)

First of all, let’s stomp to death the myth that Hillary Clinton won Iowa because of coin tosses. This appears to be one of those myths that is already entering folklore, like the Dean Scream (which I’ve debunked in previous columns), or the idea that Pat Robertson was once a serious presidential contender.

The delegates who were decided by coin flips were not the national delegates but county delegates. Having been a county delegate myself, I can tell you how influential I was, based on my work in the President Tom Harkin administration.

“Oh, but Hillary won all six tosses!” Let’s set aside for the moment that all coin flips are 50/50, which means this is about as impressive as scoring with the last drunk guy at closing time. It’s also been postulated that the coins came up heads because:

(a) Most people flip coins with the heads side up and coins have a 51 percent chance of landing on the same side they began;
(b) American currency is weighted with a heavier heads side, which increases the odds of landing heads;
(c) Hillary won the fucking coin tosses, already!

Also, it’s not true that Hillary won “all six” coin tosses, because there were more than dozen. And even if she won all of them—she didn’t, though again, it would not be a statistical impossibility—the caucus followed the rules, even if the results made you drop a socialist dookie in your government-inspected undies.

Or, as one caucus leader put it: “You gotta decide it somehow. We got lives.” Granted, those lives include living in Iowa, but it still counts as living. Kinda. If you think about it.

Seriously, Bernie supporters, you think your candidate should have won because he tied? This is why I sometimes want to shake you like a baby in a trailer-park crib.

Exactly what the hell do you think happened? That Hillary hired mind-readers to know which sides would choose heads, and then—in mid-flip, with super-speed and cameras rolling—she replaced Bernie’s quarters with double-sided Hillary coins? You sound like someone put birthers and truthers in a blender and hit “spin.”

So, like the Jeb Bush campaign, let’s put that myth out of its misery and move on to your second round of bullshit—that you won’t vote for Hillary if she’s the nominee, even if that means healthcare reform is undone, the Iranian nuclear deal collapses, and we satiate the Wall Street gods by throwing poor people into volcanoes.

Antonin Scalia has died, and for all the talk about his wit and legal acumen, he was notoriously against a woman’s right to choose, even as his decision on Bush v. Gore remains this nation’s biggest judicial abortion.

Currently, all the Republican presidential candidates are calling for Obama to delay appointing another judge because they think it should be an election issue, and because they have the ethical standards of an ash borer.

Now you’re trying to tell us you’d vote for Donald Trump so we can have Justice Meat Loaf on the bench? We didn’t believe your whiny shit in 2008, and we’re not buying it now. You are not acting like serious people. You are acting like the adolescent on Facebook who will “clean out his friends list” if you don't “like” his status.

Besides, the only difference between a Hillary presidency and a Bernie presidency is that one will have a full-time hairstylist. Neither is going to pass any substantive legislation while Republicans block up the works like that moose in Chris Christie’s colon.

President Hillary’s or President Bernie’s first term will look like Obama’s last two years: Implementing executive orders, vetoing the Republican Batshit-Crazy Bill of 2017, and trying not to bomb the wrong country.

In fact, losing might be the best thing for the socialist cause. If Bernie gets elected but doesn’t deliver on single-payer healthcare (spoiler alert: he won’t), it could tarnish his brand for a generation, like Jimmy Carter did for conservation or like Journey did to 1980s music.

In short, it’s OK to “feel the Bern,” but that doesn't mean you have to set your hair on fire—or, apparently, comb it.

I’m done.

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