The Sneezing Opossum

February 8, 2019

A Modest Proposal 

 

Please consider the following solution for the defiant slumlord:

 

If he or she ignores repeated warnings to fix structural or utility problems in any unit, then he or she will be required to live in that unit for a week.

 

Anyone who receives rent payment for a deficient apartment should experience the tenant’s life in it to understand the misery from which he profits.

 

It is most important that the slumlord spend overnight hours in the defective unit, since this is a time when he seldom, if ever, is on the premises.

 

As the old saying goes, “You failed to repair the bed; now, you lie in it.”

 

 

When good doors go bad!

 

If you have a long nose, and would like to shorten it, I have the answer: The two doors that guard the men’s restroom in a local game room.

 

The outer door looked innocent enough. I simply pushed it, and I was in—not in a men’s restroom. More like a dark closet-sized vestibule.

 

There was another door ahead, so I pushed that and....cruuuunch!  

 

“Excuse me,” said the relieved patient, a.k.a. Nose Buster.  

 

Bang! Proboscis pain pangs again. “I'm sorry,” another guy said, smiling as if he enjoyed my misery.  

 

“I suppose you’ll maul my mouth next time.”

 

The boob who built this booby trap must have been locked in an outhouse after a nauseating meal.

 

Finally I made it to the urinal, but was too pissed too pee. On the way out, I opened each door with malice. A man outside cursed, while trying to aid his busted blower.

 

I took a pencil and paper from my pocket and tacked a sign on the door: Go elsewhere for safe relief!

 

 

Sounds Like Rain!

 

An old man is seated at a table in a library. A second old man is seated next to him, with several patrons nearby.

 

The first old man accidentally blows a fart,. He looks around hoping no one heard it.       

 

“Pardon me sir,” said the second old man. “Does it look like rain?”                 

 

“No, the sun is out. Not a cloud in the sky.”     

 

“That’s funny. I’m hard of hearing, but I could swear I heard thunder.”    

 

Convinced no one else heard, the first old man whispers, “That was a fart."

 

“Sure sounded like thunder to me.”

 

“Yeah, well, just wait till the storm gets here.”

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