The Sneezing Opossum
Let’s pretend I started this column by saying how lazy I find “random thoughts” columns, which are just a series of gags I was too lazy to write essays around.
I’m too lazy to even make a “meta” joke about it. All I can tell you is that my Internet is back on, and this porn ain’t gonna watch itself. (It might get a friend to watch, depending on where you click.)
•Playboy has announced it will no longer publish nude pictures. In other news, Coca-Cola has announced that it will begin selling empty bottles.
•The investment firm KKR has purchased Mills Fleet Farm. They will now own 36 stores, 6,000 employees, and the deed to Stewart Mill’s former hair.
•A new poll reveals that 61 percent of Americans admit to peeing in the shower. It looks like only 39 percent of us know what the kitchen sink is for.
•In honor of The Flash villain Gorilla Grodd, I shall now refer to myself as Human Jason.
•Gloat all you want, Emily Larson supporters, but Chuck Horton will run again, and next time he’ll crack 30 percent.
•Every time I see a news story about a 90-year-old getting a college degree, I think the headline should read, “College Bilks Elderly Person of Thousands.”
•The first thing Hitler did was force people to compare all their political enemies to him.
•I can’t be the only one who giggled when Bill Clinton turned 69.
•Asked what advice she would give Bill Clinton if he becomes First Gentleman, Michelle Obama said, “Follow your passion.” Isn’t that what got him impeached?
•I don’t understand why I haven’t been invited to the Democratic debates. I’m polling at least as well as Martin O’Malley.
•Watching pre-debate analysis is like reading the Amazon reviews of a film that hasn’t been released yet.
•That underground atomic weapons test was the biggest bomb to hit North Korea since The Interview.
•“Snoke” sounds less like a Star Wars villain and more like the noise made when you choke on phlegm in your sleep.
•Ironically, it’s only during a “blood moon” that Yoko Ono reverts to human form.
•I have to admit that Miley Cyrus’ new song, “BB Talk” is daring. Specifically, it’s daring people to say, “Excuse me, but this is crap.”
•When did “helpful hints” become “life hacks”? You just learned a new way to store food, not kill someone with a paper clip, so get over yourselves.
•Sarah Palin interviewed Donald Trump, which finally answers the question: What happens when unstoppable stupidity meets an immovable asshole?
•They chose Eleanor Roosevelt to be on the new $10 bill. I still think it should’ve been Dolly Madison, because she was nice enough to sponsor all those Charlie Brown specials.
•Idris Elba was on the cover of Maxim magazine. Everything I know is a lie.
•Trump called Anthony Weiner “a sleazebag.” This is like Rush Limbaugh calling Rob Ford “a fat, drug-addled blowhard.”
•Vin Diesel has been re-cast as Groot in the next Guardians of the Galaxy picture. Yay! That's important news, because it’s not like they could just get fucking anybody to say three fucking words into a fucking voice modulator!
•Stan Lee could lift Thor’s hammer.
•I never said that people who say, “It’s only a comic book” should be murdered. I said they should be beaten to within an inch of their lives and left for dead. Distinction, folks!
•That Ron Paul commercial, in which he rants about the impending collapse of our economy, is so over-the-top and crazy-old-guy paranoid that I always expect it to end with him shouting at the camera, “And live from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiiiiight!”
•Sometimes I think Republicans fear Bernie Sanders more than Hillary Clinton because he’s a socialist. To put that in perspective, consider that Republicans once accused Hillary of murder.
•Being a modern Republican means having your caps lock button stuck in the “on” position.
•Stop saying “Bill Gates has more money than God.” Why does God need currency? Can’t he conjure up his own VHS copy of Porky’s 3?
•How bad is MSNBC’s weekend programming? I find myself turning to Fox for news content.
•Every time he covers a White House press conference, Fox News reporter Major Garret disproves that there’s no such thing as a stupid question.
•Funny how a single Britney Spears song can render an entire mix tape useless in mixed company.
•Roger Miller brags that he “don’t pay no union dues.” This might be why he’s a man of means by no means, needs to smoke stogies found on the ground, and breaks into people’s motel rooms.
•Whenever I hear someone described as a Slav, I immediately picture the person drooling all over himself. You do, too. Admit it.
•Melchior and Caspar were actually wise, but with Balthazar, it was more of a legacy thing.
•Oh, thank God! I thought I was hearing voices in my head, but it turned out to be just one voice doing impressions.
Jason Johnson is the author of Here’s Another Damn Book That No One Will Read. Prove him wrong, folks. Prove him wrong.