Wash your hands if you touch the trophy

January 6, 2016


Jason Johnson
The Sneezing Opossum

It’s Oscar season, and the buzz is all about BB-8, played with verve by Wilson, who hasn’t had a successful film since Castaway.

Less predictable, but certainly more fun, is the other contest loaded with Hollywood stars, oily lawyers, and would-be statesmen: The 2016 Biggest Asshole Awards.

This is among the most competitive awards, given the field of Republican presidential candidates. One look at Donald Trump and you know you couldn’t find a bigger asshole in the back of Steven Seagal’s pants.

We won’t bother with any of 2015’s mass shooters, which outnumber the pennies wedged in Val Kilmer’s jowls. When film critics compile the worst films, they’d rather talk about Pixels or Fantastic Four than an indie horror flick. There’s a difference between being purposefully bad, and trying to be human but failing.

So, this season’s candidates for the Biggest Shit-Spewing Aperture are:

Kim Davis. The Kentucky county clerk who refused to issue marriage licenses to gays and left jail to “Eye of the Tiger,” which only applies if we’re talking about the one “eye” under its tail.

She was joined by Christian hate-huckster Mike Huckabee, whose performance earned him a nomination for Best Supporting Asshole.

Kanye West. When isn’t this guy an asshole? But he gets a special nod for 2015’s Grammy Awards, when he damn near pulled that Taylor Swift stunt again with Moby. You forgot about that, didn’t you? Don’t be ashamed. It’s only because you’re awash in this asshole’s geyser of stupid.

Donald Blankenship. This murderous butt-canyon’s disregard for federal safety regulations cost the lives of 29 miners. I’d feel nothing but joy if he developed colon cancer, which, in his case, would involve polyps over his entire bloated frame. Good news is that he’s going to prison. Bad news is that it’s for only one year and not for negligent manslaughter, but for lying to the feds. Still, we can always hope prison will do for him what it did for Jeffrey Dahmer.

Jeb! Bush. Sure, he’s not as extreme as Ben Carson and he lies slightly less than Ted Cruz, but this bag of Floridian swamp gas responded to the Umpqua College shooting by saying “stuff happens,” which is more like what you’d say when someone sweeps Jeb into a plastic bag because they mistook him for dog shit.

Jeb also said of the shooting: “[T]here’s an impulse to do something, and it’s not always the right thing to do,” apparently unaware of the irony in using his brother’s 2004 re-election slogan.

Black Lives Matter. Look, BLM, I’m totally sympathetic to your cause, but driving Bernie Sanders off the stage? Really? This is like berating your grandma into giving up her meds so she can buy you an iPhone, and then using it to send her dick pics.

Republicans who criticize Martin Shkreli. Sure, it would be easy enough for Shkreli himself to make this list, after hiking the price of anti-HIV drugs by 5,000 percent and, perhaps just as reprehensible, making us give a rat’s ass about a Wu-Tang Clan album.

Even Trump called him a “spoiled brat,” which could be chalked up to projection. But being a professional douche is Shkreli’s job. What’s more infuriating is the faux outrage of congressional Republicans like Senator Susan Collins, whose anti-regulatory votes are the fertilizer that grows this dickweed.

Senator Tom Cotton. Remember this pale-skinned, pencil-necked monument to human ignorance? He’s the Arkansas senator who tried to kill the arms treaty by writing an open letter to Iranian leadership. He’s every junior high school prick who’s bitter about losing a spelling bee to the Indian kid and calls cheerleaders “sluts” for wearing skirts that expose their knees.

Donald Trump. I know, he’s like that indie horror flick I mentioned earlier, in that he’s not meant to have any quality control. If it weren’t for the uptick in anti-Islamic violence following his fear-mongering verbal-sewage spills, I wouldn’t waste any more ink on him. But seriously, fuck this guy. I can’t believe his campaign makes me wish The Apprentice were still on the air, so I could at least turn him off for an hour a day.

Ehsan Abdulaziz. You may not know this monster’s name, but you know his work. He’s the Saudi Arabian millionaire who tripped with his penis out, accidentally raping a teenage girl. At least, that’s the story a Saudi jury believed, because he was acquitted. (Coincidentally, that’s also the excuse David Cameron gave for that severed pig’s head—allegedly, of course.)

But even Ehsan is given a clumsy, penis-protruding run for his blood money against the leading candidate for the Biggest Asshole Award...

Bill Cosby. Not content with raping over 50 women, Cosby’s now suing seven of them for defamation. I haven’t seen that much chutzpah since— Actually, I’ve never seen that kind of chutzpah. It’s almost mesmerizing in its sheer enormity, like an Indy 500 wreck or Mickey Rourke’s facelift.

So, I hope you’ll tune in for the 2016 Biggest Asshole Award show, sponsored by Volkswagen.

Wait, VW? Seriously? Jesus. I’m out of here.

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