2015 headlines in review

January 6, 2016


Lawrance Bernabo
The Sneezing Opossum

January 18: Leading 19-7 with less than three minutes left in the game, the Green Bay Packers decide they would rather not play in the Super Bowl. Tight end Brandon Bostick botches an onside kick, so the Seattle Seahawks eventually win the game in overtime. Says Packer quarterback Aaron Rogers, “We almost didn’t let that one get away.”

January 18: Aware that scoring 100 points would humiliate their opponents, quarterback Tom Brady of the New England Patriots deflates the footballs he will use. Thus handicapped, the Patriots beat the Indianapolis Colts 45-7, but the ungrateful Colts show poor sportsmanship by accusing the Patriots of cheating.

February 1: The Seattle Seahawks decide they do not want to win the Super Bowl. Instead of giving the ball to running back Marshawn Lynch on second and goal from the one-yard line with 26 seconds and one timeout left, they throw an interception, handing the title to the New England Patriots. Says Seahawk Coach Pete Carroll, “Look, lots of teams have won back-to-back Super Bowls. But it was the Seahawks that made the absolute worst call in Super Bowl history.”

March 23: Police in Charlottesville, Virginia, announce they have found “no substantive evidence” in the University of Virginia fraternity gang rape case that was featured in Rolling Stone the previous fall. Rolling Stone points out that their story appeared in print, so therefore it must be true.

April 12: Hillary Clinton announces her candidacy for the 2016 Democratic presidential nomination. Nobody pays attention because they assume she had already done that months, if not years, earlier.

June 16: LeBron James loses his third NBA championship series when the Golden State Warriors defeat the Cleveland Cavaliers. Although King James is not even halfway to Jerry West’s record eight losses in the NBA finals, James remains confident he will shatter the record, vowing to “get to double figures.”

June 25: Many are surprised when the U.S. Supreme Court upholds the Affordable Care Act. Chief Justice John Roberts is embarrassed to report that he and the other conservative justices did not realize “Affordable Care Act” is the legal name for Obamacare. If they had, they would have voted the other way.

June 26: Frazzled by their mistake the previous day, the Supreme Court rules for same-sex marriage. “We are totally off our game,” admits Chief Justice Roberts.

July 7: When authorities search the home of Jared Fogel for evidence of child pornography, Subway announces Fogel will no longer be their spokesperson. Asked if things could possibly be any worse, Subway says their spokesperson could have been Bill Cosby.

July 10: South Carolina removes the Confederate Flag from statehouse grounds after an Internet search reveals that the Confederacy lost the Civil War.

September 2: When Pope Francis arrives in Washington, D.C. to begin his first visit in the United States, he is the first foreign visitor that President Obama greets at Andrews Air Force Base. Americans are stunned that Obama turned out to be a Catholic instead of a Muslim.

September 3: Kim Davis, country clerk for Rowan County, Kentucky, is jailed for refusing to issue any marriage licenses, either to same-sex or opposite-sex couples. She argues it would violate her constitutionally protected religious beliefs to follow the constitutionally valid law that is her job description.

September 25: Speaker of the House John Boehner resigns. When reporters ask why, Boehner replies, “Do you idiots really have to ask?”

November 3: In a stunning upset, two-term incumbent Duluth Mayor Don Ness is defeated by Emily Larson. Asked to explain how this could happen, Ness insists he was not actually on the ballot. Critics point out that Ness did not even finish in second place and agree this marks the end of his political career.

November 24: President Obama awards Lawrence Peter “Yogi” Berra the Presidential Medal of Freedom, the nation’s highest civilian honor. Too bad Berra died on September 22. It would have been nice to give him the damn award while he was still alive.

December 3: The Pentagon announces that all combat jobs will be open to women. Hillary Clinton checks to make sure that includes Commander-in-Chief.

December 6: Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump calls for a “total and complete shutdown” of Muslims entering the U.S. Everybody trying to enter the country will be asked if they are a Muslim and only allowed in if they say no. Trump assures everybody that “Muslims are very honest people. They won’t lie about this. Trust me.”

December 7: Senator Ted Cruz says, “We will utterly destroy ISIS. We will carpet bomb them into oblivion. I don’t know if sand can glow in the dark, but we’re going to find out.” This is completely ignored by the press, who have been waiting for Donald Trump to say he would nuke every Muslim on the face of the earth and cannot believe anybody else beat him to it.

December 9: Donald Trump is outraged that he is not Time magazine’s Man of the Year, pointing out that two-thirds of the one-third of the 28 percent of Americans who call themselves Republicans and would vote for Trump support him running as an Independent.

December 31: Despite millions spent on the election, neither current frontrunner—Hillary Clinton or [fill in the blank]—has managed to win a single delegate towards gaining the nomination of their party.

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