Unappreciated squirrels prefer bubble wrap

January 6, 2016

Kris Milstead
The Sneezing Opossum

January 5: Weigh-In Day. When you’re done, throw your scale in the trash. You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.

You’re starting to wonder if you’ll make it to Friday. Fear not, January 6 is Cuddle Up Day. Celebrate with some cocoa, a warm blanket, and your favorite book.

January 7 is I’m Not Going To Take It Anymore Day. Fight the injustices and cheer up, tomorrow is Friday.

January 8: You’ve made it through the first week of the new year. Fill the bathtub and lock the bathroom door. When your housemates start banging on the door, tell them you’re celebrating Bubble Bath Day.

January 9: Static Electricity Day. Shuffle your feet on the carpet, sneak up behind your cat, and watch it leap 20 feet in the air. Better yet, post video of this on YouTube.

January 10 is Peculiar People Day. We prefer to be called unique and interesting.

Remember when you were a little kid how much fun it was to splash in puddles? You could relive that today since it’s Step In A Puddle Day, but good luck finding a puddle in northern Minnesota on January 11.

January 12 is the Feast of Fabulous Wild Men Day. Light a fire in the backyard and sound your barbaric yawp! Just don’t dance naked. The cops will show up and start throwing around phrases like “indecent exposure” and “inpatient psychiatric.”

January 13 is another perfect excuse to lock yourself in the bathroom: Rubber Ducky Day. It’s not important how you celebrate, merely that you do.

January 14 is Organize Your Home Day. Alphabetize your records. Dewey Decimal your books. Or throw everything in the closet and call it a day. Your choice.

January 15 is L̶a̶c̶t̶a̶i̶d̶ ̶D̶a̶y̶ Strawberry Ice Cream Day.
I’m not sure January 16 is a holiday. It’s Nothing Day. Maybe today doesn’t exist. Maybe we’re all a simulation and we’ll only get back to existing if we stop the warp core from exploding. Any Starfleet engineers reading this?

January 17: Dear New Years Resolutions, It’s not me, it’s you. Sure, we had great ambitions at first, but today, on Ditch New Year’s Resolutions Day, I’m leaving you. Don’t worry, I’ll come crawling back in about a year.

January 18: Thesaurus Day. Inspire the populace with your prodigious lexicon and consummate acumen!  

January 19: Popcorn Day. It’s high in fiber and low in fat, so you’re being healthy if you just don’t think about all that delicious, thick, saturated, artificial butter topping.

There aren’t a lot of food holidays this month, but January 20 remedies that with Cheese Lovers Day. I don’t like cheese, so I’m holding out for Cheese Haters Day.

January 21 is Squirrel Appreciation Day. I was unaware that squirrels feel unappreciated, but I won’t judge.

January 22 is Answer Your Cat’s Questions Day. The answers are: “In the lower left drawer,” “Only if you’ll carry my poop outside in a box,” and “Thank God you don’t have opposable thumbs.”

January 23 is Pie Day. Not March 14, that’s Pi Day. The difference is Pi is irrational, and Pie is very rational.

We’ve all heard of Talk Like a Pirate Day, but January 24 is Talk Like a Grizzled Inspector Day. I reckon I’m don’t rightly know what that means.

January 25 is Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day. What could be more satisfying after slaving over a long column? I’ll be back later. Don’t wait up.




Please reload

More from this Author

Archives by Date

Please reload

Archives by Title or Author